Mourning the loss of something I never had

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be.” As trite and as boring clichés can be sometimes, there are moments they ring true. Even if you discover the cliché’s counterpoint (If you want something, go get it), both ideals can exist simultaneously. As I’ve said, I see both sides of the coin at all times, so it was never really an issue for me to know I can feel more than one thing at once. The internet still isn’t too keen on this notion, but it’s getting there.

Before I decided to publish anything on this space, I tried, for a month, to write a little something each day. These are the notes that us writers have tucked away in a hidden computer file no one else will ever see, since most of it is directionless, riddled with spelling errors, and, more times than not, cringey. It’s why they say never publish your first draft (hear that, YouTubers?).

While I think it’s pertinent to pull some ideas from those ramblings, it’s hard reading back over what was once residing in your soul. For me, there was a lot of hurt, confusion, and frustration all stemming from one source, and I can say that only thanks to the magic of hindsight. It saddens me that I held onto things for so long because I didn’t see any other path ahead, even as the torches lighting my way grew dimmer and dimmer. But there’s always a chance to reignite your flame, as long as you’re willing to gather the kindling to get the fire going again.

Right now, I’ve been riding high on a wave of positivity. But it’s important to remember that nothing lasts one hundred percent of the time. It’s the ebb and flow of life. Tide in, tide out. So I know there are bad days ahead of me. It’s nice knowing I have the strength and power to pull myself back to this good place all on my own.

Things that seem like the most difficult thing in the world suddenly become the easiest when you’re pushed to the brink enough times. I find it’s better to create your own reality instead of relying on what could be, especially if it’s not yours to claim. Yet.

Yes, I have let go. Yes, I’ve taken the plunge. But I haven’t decided yet if I’m wearing a parachute or a bungee cord. Only time will tell. We’re not done with the year of honesty. Not yet, anyway.

Bonus cringe, for your troubles: (10/22/2017) “It boggles my mind that love can come in and out of your life so rapidly, flying in like a force of nature, only to extinguish like a match in the darkness.”

Yikes.