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February Focus: Day 22

I think it’s about time I lean into my loserdom a little more. I’ve felt like the underdog my entire life, really taking the “first is the worst, second is the best” schoolyard chant to heart. I always wanted to be a winner, but something always told me I wasn’t ever really going to get there. And even if I did win once in a while, it wouldn’t make a dang ol’ bit of difference. I one time came in first in a fencing tournament and I could barely be bothered to take a winning photo after. Plus after beating out fifty-four other contestants, my prize was a keychain and three oranges. I’m not kidding. I may as well have not won. And that would have been fine, now that I’ve gotten some second place energy under my belt.

It’s admirable for someone to have a ‘winning’ mindset. If it gives them great incentive to achieve their goals, I say keep at it. The only thing I know for certain is that you can’t win them all. Even if you do that thing I do and pick out the technicalities, or find at least something I can be considered right on. Still, not everyone can bring home the gold all the time. It’s statistically impossible, unless you cheat, something I’ll never condone. So we should try and learn to embrace failure instead of actively chasing after it.

Me? I’ve finally accepted that I may never be crowned the winner around here. But I’m content knowing my efforts and voice will be strong enough to make an impact. And someone who actually is a winner can uphold the ideals and standards that I laid the groundwork for. If that’s my station in life, then so be it. I never minded being the woman in the corner, watching her handiwork unfold before her, a small knowing smile on her face. I don’t need the limelight, I just need to be a good enough competitor.

Although, really, it would be nice to win one once in a while. To be on the level I want to be. Or at least the one I think I want. I feel like that part of my life hasn’t been given the chance to flourish yet. Maybe if I play the right game, I can get there. Perhaps the grand prize received is one we didn’t realize existed in the first place.

Swears: None

No writing today.

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