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February Focus: Day 5

In the first entry this month, I noted how I’m beginning to get some recognition around here. Something seems to be clicking in my life where I feel significant for the first time. People are really starting to see me for who I am, even if that hasn’t manifested a partner yet. All that time feeling so worthless and small is finally starting to fade away, and I’m just ready to see where this wave can take me.

I went to Walgreens today to pick up a laundry bag, since the cleaners ripped my last one. The first thing I saw was a security guard who was sitting in the corner, playing on his phone and not paying attention to anything, certainly not the crazy guy who was ranting near the registers. I had gone down the escalator to get my bag and came back up to get a drink. This guy came in and said something to the security guard before going downstairs. I didn’t hear exactly, but I did hear him say, “It’s just a joke.” I made eye contact and pointed to both my ears, indicating the guard had headphones in.

“He can’t hear you,” I said, “His mind is elsewhere.”

The guy smiled at me as he descended. “Wow, you must be a writer!” he said. I was momentarily stunned, answering back, “I am a writer! That’s amazing! I love it!” And then he was out of sight, smiles and all. Just another one of those New York moments that feel few and far between lately. I’m still unclear what tipped him off about my status, and I wish I had known what he said to the guard who wasn’t guarding. But if one sentence can show a complete stranger who I am, imagine what someone who’s seen into my very soul could know. The problem is, that person is just not here. But I still I feel as though they are, and that presence is stronger than ever these days.

This month, I seem to be preoccupied with time and timing. I’m feeling so strongly about what I want and where I want to be in this life, and the entire time I can feel someone walking right along with me. I know it’s impossible as I am physically alone, but whatever helped bring my true desires online is still there. I feel it, and I’m getting desperate to actually have it in my possession. If I can finally feel like a significant person in this life, then what’s stopping me from seeing all my desires fulfilled?

Life is a never-ending search into getting what’s truly meant for us. I’ve just never felt more confident in it coming to me. The stories I’m writing in my head (and on paper) about how it could happen could fill a thousand books. It just seems so possible. I don’t mind telling you how much I plead and beg for it to unfold, as maybe exposing my vulnerability about it will have it give me a call one day. It’s a desperate pitch, I know, but I can’t walk around expecting everyone to be mind readers, even if some people can read me like a book. If I’m seeking it, I’ll find it. If not in this life, then the next.

Swears: None

First Draft Word Count: 53,717
1,032 words written yesterday and today.

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