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February Focus: Day 4

I have absolutely no concept of time anymore. Everything that happened to me feels like it happened yesterday, and everything that could happen feels like it’ll happen tomorrow. Things are just occurring, with no assignment as to when. The only thing that has a time limit is the same thing every biological woman faces, and even that feels like I have plenty of time to fulfill it. I’m just here, existing, everything somehow zooming by and standing still all at once. And maybe it’s because there’s nothing I’m anticipating anymore. There’s no waiting game being played, I can just sit with myself and let each second tick by as the days fall off the calendar one by one.

As a Taurus, I’m supposed to be patient by nature. I see this happen when things are outside my control. I never feel annoyed waiting on lines, or if I’m put on hold during a phone call. There’s never any problem sitting with myself, as I can stay occupied using just my own thoughts. But when it comes to matters for myself, there used to be such impatience in not having what I wanted at that exact moment. I can still hear my mom’s words: “You want what you want when you want it.” And it would feel like something was working against me to keep it from me. Now I know things will happen the more you work toward them, even if it doesn’t always happen on your timeline. I’ve stopped ‘waiting” for the next chapter of my life to begin, because I’m creating it as we speak. I’m not just sitting around waiting for someone to text me, wishing and hoping and praying that this time I’ll hear the realness I’ve always dreamed of. It doesn’t work like that, even after all the time I spent thinking that it did.

There’s still this feeling I have that the world will witness something so great, it will forever alter the course of history. In the blink of an eye, our current reality will collapse, and we’ll have no choice but to work together and repair it. It could take days, weeks, maybe even years to right all the wrongs, but we’ll know the right way to do it this time. The divide that’s kept us down for so long will be sewn shut, repaired, mended forever, because it’ll just be the right thing to do. While it’s a nice idea, I don’t think I’m going to get that lucky. If this news cycle has taught me anything, it’s that a slow burn of information is usually how things go around here. It’s a slow drip until there’s no more ways to hide the flood. Still, that dam has to burst sometime. Perhaps it doesn’t come in the form of chaos, and we’ll finally get to hear some good news around here. Only time will tell on that one.

As for me, there’s really only one thing that could grant me my own great awakening and forever alter my course: the moment I realize I am with child. Because in nine short months from then, I won’t just be a woman. I’ll be a mother, too. Life as I know it will change with absolutely no way to go back. I’d welcome that. In fact, you could say it’s the only thing I’m feeling impatient for these days. I think it’ll happen when I least expect it, just like the rest of the world’s wakeup call. Everyone keeps telling me to get started on that now, but I can wait just a little longer for that perfect moment when it all comes together for me. Time’s a-wastin’, but in the end, it’ll be well worth the wait. Why would I want to rush what’s truly meant to be?

Swears: $0.50. Said the f-word absentmindedly.

First Draft Word Count: not enough by the time this went out, but I’ll be awake just a little longer…

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