February Focus: Day 6
On the other hand, today was not a good day. I sort of set myself up for it. I just didn’t want to today. It’s not that I didn’t try, I just had no desire in me to give a single solitary sh*t about any of it. I had to be the senior producer today in a world gone absolutely insane, and the last thing I wanted to do was produce a show around it. I still did the job I was supposed to, but I did so with anger and annoyance. I dropped my beautiful new ring, leaving a huge crack in the turquoise, and each jeweler I went to said it’d be near impossible to fix. The stuff I emotionally ate tasted horrible and I had to throw half of it away. And my baby fever is getting so bad I’m googling sperm banks, only to find all the ones in NYC are just ‘woke’ and weird. I’d have to wear a mask if I went inside, and there’s nothing telling me I’d be able to find a batch of unjabbed paydirt. Sorry, fellas, my baby, my choice.
I came home unable to cope with just where I am in this station in life. I don’t know why it’s like this right now. Because nothing happened to put me here. It just is like this today. And there’s nothing on earth that can tell me tomorrow won’t be more of the same. It’s moments like these where I want to just say “f*ck it” and run away. As they say, if you don’t like your circumstances, change them. The part of me romanticizing spontaneity tells me I can just sell my home and get my lakeside cabin, living off my writing and raising my baby. But it’s not realistic. Just like everything else rattling around in my head lately. Reality sucks right now, and it’ll only get better when it’s time to.
It used to feel like I alone was responsible for creating all this chaos. This time it doesn’t feel that way at all. There’s something far greater at play here, and this time, I have no control over it. I think I’ve got to just ride it all out until it’s over, which I keep feeling like is sooner rather than later. It’s always a nice idea to think I can change the outcome of things by doing all I’m supposed to, but today proved to me that’s not always the case. And it’s fine. Maybe I need a day to let the hopelessness creep in. Perhaps it’s just a way for me to examine all my options and not put the weight of the world on my shoulders for once. It’s not always my fault. It’s not always ‘someone’s’ fault. Sometimes it just sucks, and sometimes it takes a little extra strength to keep reminding myself that there’s a lot out of my control.
Then again, self-flagellation doesn’t look good on anyone, does it? Maybe tomorrow all these whip marks on my back will have healed, and it’ll just be another day to forget I ever felt like this.
balanced & fair 