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June Renew: Day 21

Weight: 234.6

I’ve always maintained I’m a wide-eyed idealist. There’s a level of optimism I hold that things will always work out, no matter how impossible they may seem. Even in the face of 40-year-high inflation, an out-of-control border crisis, a looming recession, and general dumbassery of those ‘in charge,’ I somehow think all the wrongs in the world will be righted. I don’t know who can grant us that, and frankly I think it’ll come from a higher power, but I do know it’s coming, true as the North Star.

The one thing I still don’t know about is what ‘the one’ has in store for me.

I’m obviously single, so it’s clear I haven’t linked up with my ‘one’ yet. I once resented those who’ve found their person, but I don’t feel that anymore. I just think how incredibly lucky they are for getting to that point in their lives. It’s not an easy thing, even if some people make it look easy. But conditions have to be perfect. The path ahead has to be so clear in order to link up and join one another on the same journey. Every time I think I’ve gotten there, I’m proven incorrect. Is that what “the one” would do? I honestly don’t know. My blueprint for relationships has been nothing but ongoing dysfunction so part of me thinks this is all part of the design anyway. The one set of schematics set up for me long ago that can’t be destroyed, no matter how many times I think I’ve put it to bed for good.

But I’m not getting any younger. I cry at stories I see about women who’ve “put off” having children for their careers. I’m wanting more and more to be a mommy one of these days, and I want to have all the sorts of fun that could result in me getting knocked up. But only with the right person. The one and only. I wouldn’t do all the things that are rattling around in my brain with just anyone. Not everyone deserves to see that side of me. Only one person; the person who is for me. It still seems so attainable, even as each minute ticks by, bringing me closer and closer to the end of it all.

I won’t stop chasing this goal. Something aligned in the stars for me long ago, to where I see and know my heart. I’ll simply know when it meets its mate. All I can be is this one person forever. That’ll never change. I still have hope. Polaris is shining brighter than ever before. Why wouldn’t I want to follow that star?

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