(22) time to talk my big game

June Renew: Day 22

Weight: I plum forgot to weigh myself this morning.

I got my work review back today, and I don’t agree with the assessment. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but just know that I’ve been rehearsing what I’m going to say. I think I’m making some salient points as to why I think what was put forth is not representative of who I am as a worker, and my words are about to win hearts and minds.

Yet I know the moment I actually get my chance at the podium, I’ll freeze. I’ll let another drive the conversation and all my prepared talking points will go flying out of my head. And I’ll just end up relenting to the opposition, unable to argue the topic, and go home disappointed at myself once again. This has been part of ongoing issues in my life, both work and personal, and I have yet to find a resolution that can satisfy all participants.

I feel like I bring a lot to the debate stage, but I never seem to win it. It’s like when there’s a specific person who ‘comes back’ into my life. I always think of things I can say that will adequately express just what I’ve been going through for years. Yet when the opportunity is right in front of me, I act like nothing happened, and all the previous feelings of hurt and pain just evaporate in the wind. And I’m just getting to the point where it’s not worth it putting my energy into this anymore. I can’t expect to wait for a chance anymore, and if I see no opportunity to make my own, then maybe it’s time to close the book forever. I’ve taken enough notes and seen enough to know that this may just be a losing battle. Perhaps it’s time to focus on where I can win.

This world makes it hard to get your voice known, especially if you’re one of those dang dirty dissenters. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel who does her own thing, so I get it. My ilk can be annoying. But I’m still valid. I’m still here. I still have debate skills that I hope one day can actually benefit me. I can’t fear losing. As long as I get my point across, that’s at least step one.