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June Renew: Day 14

Weight: 235.4

I was showing a new co-worker around the basement control rooms today and ran into not one, but two people I knew. It was a big to-do with excitement upon seeing my friends, giving them hugs and saying how good it was to run into them. Being on a morning shift doesn’t really allow me to see people all that much. But it was still nice knowing I’ve still in some way left my mark on a place I’ve spent a huge amount of my adult life in.

When we got back upstairs, I made it clear that what happened was an anomaly. “I’m not popular,” I said. “What are you talking about?” one of my co-workers said, “Everyone likes you!” I had to stop and think about that for a second. The people I ran into were just as happy to see me as I was to see them. It wasn’t fake whatsoever. It was a genuine moment of being missed by people who’ve touched my life as I have theirs. It didn’t have to mean anything other than that. And for some reason I still have it in my head that I’m abrasive and rude and no one wants anything to do with me as I stand alone in the limelight.

All this just goes back to unresolved feelings in high school. I never had a “clique” really. I was just the nerdy fencing chick. I didn’t connect with one particular group, I was just a drifter. But it always bothered me that I didn’t quite find my sense of belonging. I headed off to college, realizing “cliques” didn’t matter when you had a solid core group of friends. That’s all that really mattered; surrounding yourself with good people who aren’t there to ride your coattails into stardom.

So maybe I’ll never feel “popular,” but I’m accepting that I’m actually “liked” as it were. People aren’t as turned off by me as I’ve previously thought. Maybe addressing these feelings of inadequacy is step one in figuring out where they all came from to begin with. Everyone loves a good origin story. It’s where actors drum up the courage to be another person for a little bit. Luckily the only person I have to be is me. And she’s more of a star than she thinks.

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