(15) get thee behind me

June Renew: Day 15

Weight: 234.4

I woke up feeling weird. I don’t know what came over me yesterday. It was like something else was possessing me and taking all the control. I think I overindulged in my hedonistic tendencies, and I wonder if what I did was enough to warrant everlasting punishment. My body betrayed my heart and I let baser instincts take over. It felt right at the moment, even if it was “wrong.” And I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again if the timing was right.

But waking up feeling like the Devil himself crawled inside me is something I hope never to revisit ever again.

I’m not trying to sell my soul to evil. I’m not attempting to put the focus on the dark side. I’ve believed in God my entire life but have slowly drifted away from the institution of religion for much of my adult life. I was going to church regularly, but dipped the moment one of the priests brought politics into a homily. It was just not an appropriate thing to say inside God’s house. I confronted him about it after the service and he said he didn’t believe he had done so. Something had just felt ‘off’ for me for a while, so I left. I suppose I could have found a different church, but I also didn’t feel like I needed a sit-down hour a week to be with God. The ritualistic nature of it all was something I felt I could leave behind, so I did. Now it’s my own personal walk with The Creator, and I hope other people find theirs.

But I’m still human. I still have wants and needs. And if I’m being this devilish lady with someone I feel God put here for me, is it really as bad as I’m making it?

Maybe I’m just responding to all the insanity we see every day. We’re watching the wheels fall off the wagon in real time, seeing the demons take hold on His earth, all the while hearing some class of people telling us all that we’re witnessing is normal. It’s not. There’s a lot of ‘not normal’ going on. There’s a lot of ‘don’t believe your lyin’ eyes’ going on. And there will be many people who’ve never known God who have to repent in front of Him soon. I won’t cheer on destruction or damnation of people, just as I shouldn’t beat myself up for wanting to show my love in all sorts of crazy ways.

The war is ongoing. The spiritual battle is raging. I know what side I’m on. I pray every day you’re there with me. Because once Judgment Day comes, it won’t be pretty for those who’ve danced with the demons for too long. I only sometimes want a tango for two. Hey, I’m only human after all.