June Renew: Day 13

Weight: 236.4

I do vague very well. People on Twitter all the time used to tell me “What do you mean?” when I’d make a vaguepost. Part of the thrill a lot of the time was to let people come to their own conclusions. It always just felt like it was my way to win hearts and minds in a crazy and confusing time. However, I know it drives people nuts. So I’ve been actively working on being more direct in what I want, especially when I’m in a time crunch at work. There’s no more waffling, it’s straight to the point. Get over the target and just go.

So why is it I can’t find the way to be direct with the one person I want to be more than anything?

I look at my parents’ relationship story, the blueprint for what ‘works,’ and it’s just as long and drawn out as all my relationships have been. The difference is they were actually dating. They were considered a couple. Pretty much none of the men who’ve been in my life can say the same. Out of the three people I’ve considered “boyfriends,” one said I wasn’t his girlfriend even though we dated for four months, and the other said we weren’t a couple because we didn’t survive our first fight. I guess my only “official” boyfriend was my high school boyfriend. And we only dated for six months. I had a lot of trouble letting him go, even though he shot his shot elsewhere long ago. Seems to be par for the course for all of them.

This long line of hearts I wish to touch just seems impossible when I’m put on the spot. I’m standing there, spear in hand, seeing the targets go by me, waiting for the perfect moment to throw it and land the bullseye. Yet when I think I have the chance, I balk. I revert back to everything I said I wouldn’t say, and just let things linger in limbo for a little longer.

Whatever energy I’ve channeled into work, I have to bring it to my personal life too. I think what’s really stopping me is an overbearing fear of rejection that keeps me at a dueler’s pace from literally everyone I want to get close to. I don’t know when it’ll happen, but one day I’ll summon the courage to just let it go and shoot my own shot. It gets easier to do so every day. Or at least think I can do it. I’ve had enough practice. Perhaps I’m ready for the big leagues after all.

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