(12) a victim of the new world

June Renew: Day 12

Weight: N/A, was at my parents’ house, but probably a lot

I’m not happy. I’m actually angry. I felt it as I was driving home today. I’m just so patently uncomfortable about everything going on and the only thing that’s making me feel better is food. I was this close to hitting a vape pen yesterday, and no one can tell me I shouldn’t do the same today. I fell off the food truck and today I’m putting the blame on the world.

And why shouldn’t I sometimes? Is it really all up to me? Don’t environmental factors play a part? Everyone else gets to blame everyone else, but I gotta shoulder the entirety of the bad feelings right onto me?

I do believe this world we’re in right now has cultivated a culture where people get to whine and complain all they want; to become victims of the cruelty of others, all the while receiving scorn from outsiders but ultimately receiving no consequences for their actions. They’ll still find someone to unflinchingly cape for them, to tell them they’re always in the right and never wrong. I don’t know how people find an audience like that, but it happens, and probably a lot more than we think. We’re in a land of assholes run by assholes, with more assholes telling you you’re the asshole for not wanting to sniff everything the assholes are emitting.

Sorry for the visual. Either way, this has been rattling around my head all day. My own little Planet Gina is just a cold, dark place right now. I’m so uncomfortable all the time and I’m not making enough of an effort to change things. When will I learn? I’m not sure yet. Is it possible to change? God only knows. I’m not about to try and end this on a happy note. I don’t have one right now. I’d sooner want a giant frickin’ laser beam to come from the moon and destroy us all at this point. That’s how I feel. That’s just what’s happening as my gravitational pull gets stronger.

Maybe it’s not the world’s fault. But today it is. And may tomorrow it won’t be. That remains a possibility. Because I know what’s really going on at the core of myself. Does the world always need to know everything?