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June Renew: Day 11

Weight: 235

This is limbo. This is the ether. This is the spot where we can either go forward or sink further into the pain. I felt so uncomfortable today about it. I try very hard to keep a positive outlook, but it gets difficult when I feel so alone in it all. My mom isn’t doing good. She cannot communicate and I can’t help her. My dad is increasingly frustrated as he gets older and is less able to take care of the house. It all seems so impossible because I cannot make the pieces fit, and we are pedal to the metal full steam ahead. What do I do? How do I fix it? Can it even be fixed?

There’s a pervasive sense that things can “go back” to how they once were. People on Twitter talk about how much they “miss” $2 gasoline. I can confidently say I don’t “miss” anything anymore, but I still feel like things can be how I wish they would be. When I’m back in my hometown and I drive by my grandparents’ house, I always feel like one day I’ll go back there. I can picture the inside so clearly. I see myself in there. Yet I won’t ever be. Not in this life, anyway.

Maybe all this “back” I’m feeling is what I will certainly see in the next life. Whether that’s the one after this or the new one we could soon see, I’m not sure yet. All I know is that I must keep looking forward, and not at what’s currently behind me. I have to face reality and step into the next plane of existence. I need not rubberneck at what’s passing me by, and I cannot stay focused on the rearview mirror when the brake lights in front of me are lighting up.

Now comes the part where I’m okay with these new beginnings. I’ve never been afraid of driving in the dark. Why start now?

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