(11) i don’t know what i want from me

April Awakening: Day 11

I don’t think I’ve ever been this comfortable with being me. I’m not necessarily ‘set’ in my ways, as I still feel like I have the ability to grow and learn from my mistakes. But who I am is shining forth more than I think it has in the past, and I can only chalk that up to getting older and maturing. It’s coming more and more natural to me, as I’m sure it does to myriad other people in this world. I’m not special in that regard. But lately I’ve just been wondering what it all means in the end, and how I can express it without sounding like a self-centered jackass.

I’m in a state where I’m constantly questioning my wants and desires. Similar to what I said yesterday, I’m putting all this undue pressure upon myself to come forth with the grandest gesture of all to wow the crowds and change the world. I know how arrogant that sounds. I know how impossible it sounds too. But it somehow feels wrong of me to sit here and tell you I don’t want to do anything else other than what I’ve been doing. I get up, I go to work, I come home, I nap, I’ll read the news, I answer texts from my show host, I’ll clean my apartment, I’ll cook for myself, I’ll go to the gym, I’ll call my parents, I’ll wish and hope and pray for brighter days ahead, tell my cat I love her and then I go to sleep. That’s it. Maybe I’ll play a video game or if it’s nice out I’ll sit outside with my laptop. But really, that’s it. That’s all I do and that’s all I want to do these days. Why do I feel so uncomfortable letting you know I actually don’t mind the monotony of it all right now?

I’ve never actually enjoyed just being in the moment on a larger scale. At times, I find it kind of confining. I’m either thinking ahead, or too far behind me. But this feeling, oddly enough, is starting to become a thing of the past. I’m just really going with the flow right now, even if there’s a part of me that thinks I need to be doing more with myself. Maybe I don’t need to. Maybe right where I am right here in this moment is all I need to put the focus on instead of worrying about everyone else’s perception of me.

Who the hell even knows anymore. I set out on this journey to strip myself down to the most base ‘me’ I could. I guess I’m doing what I set out to do. Perhaps I’ll feel different tomorrow. It remains a real possibility.

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