April Awakening: Day 10
My mom used to describe me as being good at no matter what I picked up. I seemed to always have natural talent whenever I’d try a new activity. Drawing, writing, field hockey, fencing, painting, modeling clay, you name it, I did it, and I was good at it. Even things I did as a kid I always seemed to excel in. And yet I didn’t give a single solitary shit about pursuing any of the things. Not seriously, anyway. I was part of a “Futures” field hockey league that I voluntarily quit because I hated it so much. I only fenced in college because I got a scholarship. And even though I do like to write, nothing is coming of it from a personal standpoint. Jack of all trades, absolute master of none.
I see people all around me finding the mastery of their crafts, and it just feels like that’s escaped me my entire life. I wonder how much of it has been ingrained in me to get things done and wrapped up by the time I hit thirty, but that bus has certainly left the station. I’m clicking over into the “late thirties” soon and it’s upsetting I haven’t found the thing yet. I certainly haven’t found “the one” either, or at least their presence is not currently in my life. So what do I have to show for this life right now? It only feels like nothing, even though I know that’s not true. My mother also always used to say “look at what you have” every time I was feeling sorry for myself.
I know what I have. I have a lot. And I feel like you’re all waiting for me to finally show it off.
I’m not sure if I’ve built up such a status for myself that I’m putting undue pressure on me, but it’s almost like I’ve got the whole world watching and waiting for me to say my next great big idea that’s supposed to wow the crowd. See this clip from The Simpsons.
And just like Marge, I’ll also end up coming up short. I’ve been touting this big, expansive idea that’s been in the works for years, when in reality I haven’t even begun to begin my passion project. I wish I could find it. I sometimes doubt I will. But what I do know is that I’d like just a little bit of input as to what people’s expectations are of me.
In a world where I do believe I can do anything I set my mind to, the security of outside affirmations would be very helpful. As an only child, I’ve had to rely on myself for all the years I’ve been on this planet. So what’s so inherently wrong with getting a little bit of outside validation? What do people hope to see from me? I hope I get an answer one of these days, so I can avoid looking like a total buffoon when I’m put on the spot with my one great idea. Especially when I think that idea could help save the entirety of the world as we know it.
They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. I guess my work here just isn’t done yet.