(12) green out

April Awakening: Day 12

I don’t mind telling you there’s a few times I’ve snuck a peek at a couple Twitter feeds, but I haven’t checked my own notifications. I’m planning on a former coworker-getogether tomorrow where I may or may not sneak some alcohol. I haven’t decided yet. And at one point, I slipped and broke rule seven for this month. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t judge me. But one thing I haven’t done as we near the middle of the month is smoke pot. No THC. There’s pot in the house and edibles in the cabinet. I’m just not doing it. This one feels like the direst rule to stick to this month. If I don’t, it’s possible everything I’ve ever worked for could go up in a puff of smoke.

I mean, I know I’m just being dramatic. But I do feel like I have an issue with how much marijuana I ingest. The last time I went a month without pot was October 2020. I did “Sober October” just to see if I could, and I did. It felt good to fulfill a promise to myself, and it was nice to just give my brain a break. I’ve always had an addictive personality, especially when it comes to satiating an oral fixation I still haven’t figured out how I obtained. I smoked cigarettes for ten years and was able to quit. I knew it was time as I was worried about my health. Yet I never really had the same fear about smoking pot. Sure, I’m inhaling and exhaling into my lungs, but it didn’t seem “as bad” for me. I wasn’t addicted, I could stop at any time. Yet for a long time after I initially quit cigs, I was heavily smoking pot to at least be smoking something. So clearly something kept me reaching for the rolling papers over and over again.

Now that I’ve had more “clear” time under my belt, I’m wondering if I should just keep going after I’m done not smoking for this month. Sometimes I think I’m just sitting around, waiting for the clock to strike midnight on May First so I can light up that joint that’s just sitting on my desk. What’s so wrong about quitting the pot just like I quit the tobacco? It feels much harder to let go of for life. Cigarettes were no problem once I made the decision, and I’m coming up on six years without them. Perhaps the light hasn’t gone off for me yet about quitting pot. It’s like I have no reason to quit. I would love one, and I truly mean that.

And yet, the anticipation of it always feels much better than the actual act of it. Once I take a hit, I enjoy it, but it always seeps in that this isn’t as great as I thought it was going to be. So when comes the time when I decide the risk isn’t worth the reward?

I won’t get high this month. That much I’m certain of. But I can’t lie, I’ll probably light up the moment May hits. I’ll have done what I set out to achieve, and therefore can go back to my old ways. But perhaps something will happen to make that mindset change again. I do feel like the clearer I stay, the more the world opens up for me. Maybe this time it’ll stick, and I won’t have to run into the arms of the sticky icky again. It’s looking less and less worth it as time goes on. Who knows. The next hit may very well be my last.

Maybe I should have waited until 4/20 to post this.

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