5) my number’s up

My December to Remember: Day 5

I’ve been thinking about how I acted last year. It’s kind of hard for me to even remember, as the entire world did its own one-eighty into complete disaster. I remember a lot of hurt, anger, and sadness. And I took it out on a lot of people. Mostly myself. But I did slip up here and there, as we’re wont to do. We can’t be perfect twenty four-seven after all.

I remember a lot of longing. Needing. Crying. Pleading. It’s so unattractive to me now, I can’t even imagine doing it. Maybe I really am letting go of my anger over something I wanted so badly for years, only to find that it wasn’t going to happen. At least not in this lifetime. But it finally feels like I’m not missing out on anything. That’s another feeling that took over last year. Obviously. The whole world shut down. There was so much out there to do, but they wouldn’t let us do it. No, we were all in this together. We had to come together as one world to pull us out of the quagmire. Well, here we are, twenty one months later, and we’re still as far apart as ever. And yet, I’m not missing out on a single thing. New York City is kind of “back,” as they say, but it won’t be as long as they’re barring certain individuals from partaking in the fun. Maybe the fun is finally out there now. Maybe it’s in here with me, and those who said “no thanks” are actually the ones missing out on me.

So this is the end. That life is over. It’s finally reached six feet under status. And I won’t miss it this time. We all make choices that are best for us, but sometimes those choices are foisted upon us. We just have to roll with it. Life goes on until the next one comes around. We live infinite lives with infinite possibilities in it, whether we’re on this earth or have moved onto the next plane.

There’s a lot of living left to do. And I don’t feel like spending it crying over what walked away from me. I’m only thirty five. There’s a whole lifetime out there waiting for me to live it. And if you’ve taken a ticket, I’m sure I’ll call your number one day.

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