6) seasonal rot

My December to Remember: Day 6

There’s way too much weirdness going on right now. It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit, but I don’t want to see the complete picture. This news cycle involves some of the slimiest details known to man. Things that are potential crimes against humanity. And there it all is, right in front of us. The darkest time in my American history.

I’ve been pretty joyless lately. Like all the energy just got sucked out of the room. I’m doing a good job at work and am working hard at home, but a lot of the times I’m just wilting in the dark. There’s nothing out there that can put a smile on my face right now. It’s just such a bummer. I’m watching all this news pour out each and every single day. Vaccine mandates, laptops from hell, crimes against children, and hoaxes one and all. I pay attention to it because, a) it’s my job to, and b) I just need to know. I asked for all this to come out. I wanted all the grossness to rise to the surface. For everyone to see what a human is capable of. We must gaze upon it so that we may never recreate the horrors we just saw.

Now I’m getting what I want. And it’s just making me sick.

My dad keeps telling me to look at the humor of it all. He tells me I’m funny. I know other people think I’m funny too. I just can’t right now. I know it’s what I need to do, but I need to brood a little bit more. To just be tired. To lie on the couch and not get up until it’s time for bed. I’m liable to absorb the couch into me and transmute like a spore. At this rate, I don’t know when I’ll come out on the other side of it all. It feels impossible.

But how much of it is me making myself sick?

Probably a lot. I’m making choices I know I shouldn’t. I know what will put me in a much better mindset, and yet I don’t do it. I let the hurt and pain eat me away from the inside instead of neutralizing the threat and just doing something different. I know I can do it. My lightbulb just hasn’t clicked on yet. I haven’t been watered enough. I’m waiting to emerge from the long, dark winter we’re all about to face. I’ll breathe new life into me somehow, reversing the process to find bloom once again.

I mean, I haven’t ever achieved this for myself yet. But there’s a first time for everything, I suppose. I’m not a sunflower that can naturally find the sun. I’m something far different that’s remained hidden in the flora. Maybe one day I’ll find the light again, to take the initiative and grow strong out of my little flower pot. It may not be perfect, but as long as I concentrate on the upward trajectory, I’ll find new life as I poke through the top of the flower bed. Some of us just need a little extra time to fully blossom.

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