(5) deliver me a good tomorrow [june renew]

I found a loophole. I always do. It’s whether or not I take myself up on the offer or not. And today it was a no-brainer. I did this knowing there’s a possibility I will wake up upset with myself. And I still might. But I can do that on any day, regardless of what happens. It happened today. I woke up in a bad mood. I felt like I was letting something really heart-wrenching go. But at the same time, I knew it was for the best. I need not elaborate further, it would take a lifetime to explain. So I made peace with it regardless, knowing I had a big day ahead of me.

I came to the conclusion that sometimes, no matter what I do the night before, moments will happen during the day where I will just feel bad. Like how the delivery guy made me feel bad tonight. I shouldn’t have even gotten delivery in the first place. Every single thing I’ve gotten via delivery lately has been disappointing. I can cook better for myself. I’m just too l-a-z-y to do so. And toking up day in and day out has exacerbated this expensive habit. 

Anyway, I put in an online order, and for some reason it went to my work address instead of my home address. I swear I didn’t put it in incorrectly. I’ve done that before like a dumb stoner, but tonight it wasn’t my fault. I looked at my receipt and it said delivery to my home address. It must have been a computer glitch, or just God giving me a wink for making the choice I made tonight. 

I called the company and got a refund, even though the restaurant did end up getting my correct address. When the delivery guy got here, he pointed at the bag where it did in fact show my work address. I was trying to apologize for the glitch but he just said, “See? Wrong address. That’s on you.” And walked away. That kind of hurt. It made me not even want to eat what he had brought me. I ended up having to throw half of it out, as it was inedible. It’s just an overall wasteful action, and I feel bad that someone had an aggravating night at work because of it. But it also ends up being a lesson to myself. I can make the choices I want, but I’ll have to deal with the poetic consequences of my actions. And there’s no reason for me to kick myself for not figuring it out earlier. 

While the delivery was in transit, I thought about how much I didn’t want it. I was no longer hungry. My eyes were bigger than my stomach. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I barely eat what’s on my plate. And I just end up throwing most of it out. Again, so wasteful. I just need to find the motivation to cook for myself again. I am a boring chef, but I know how to at least make something to nourish myself properly. And right now, I’ve got to choose the better choice so that more may follow. I’m looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to a lot of things, as I begin the search for a new home. I had a lot to look forward to today, despite the sadness upon waking up. Either way, I waited until I had fulfilled all my commitments for the day before indulging in a little cloudiness, something I can’t say I did before June began.

And so what? Am I really hurting myself as much as I say I am? Or can I be easy on myself and accept that I did what I felt like I needed to do? Why is my first instinct to beat myself up for not sticking one hundred percent to the plan?

I’m not sure. But I know I don’t feel like letting myself feel bad about it anymore, especially when I have the choice to do so. The delivery guy? Yeah, there was no fixing that one. The interaction was so short-lived it would be impossible for me to “fix” it and make sure he left happy. That’s how I wish everyone would say goodbye to me, as nice as possible. But sometimes it won’t work like that. And that’s okay too. That’s part of the bad feeling that came the moment I awoke. I was accepting the fact that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye in a way that was satisfying for me. And at this point, there isn’t anything else I can do about it except make peace with it. But the short-lived bad feelings have to go somewhere. I take the pain out on myself because it feels like the most logical place to go. Well, I’m now taking the steps I need in order to channel it in different ways. Better ways. Better choices. Expanding my options, like how I want to expand my home. It’s all coming together, and will happen regardless of the choice I make that day.

I just know that when I’m a witness to what’s coming for all of us, I want to be stone cold sober to see it. Being clear-headed for the next howevermany days will not always be the easy choice, but I have enough confidence in myself to know it’ll be the correct one. And when it’s time to revisit the cloudiness again, I will go there. But for all I know, that could be years from now. Until then, clarity is the way I’m choosing to go.

Will I wake up feeling the same way? I guess I’ll let you know tomorrow.