16) all too self-aware

My December to Remember II: Day Sixteen

News: Twitter Files part six reveal FBI, DHS in constant contact with Twitter employees, flagging content, essentially its own arm of content moderation.

One of the most exhausting things about being me is the hyper self-awareness. And yes, I’m aware of how haughty and arrogant that sounds. I can’t really pinpoint when things began to turn to where I’d actually put this knowledge into action, but from a very early age I can recall a sense of self that wasn’t like the other kids’.

“Why am I me?” I remember asking my six-year-old self as I gazed into the mirror. I remember trying to hard to figure out who I was and what I was even doing here. I looked at every facial feature, wondering how they came to be, why I looked the way I do, why I’d think the thoughts I did. I wanted to know if everyone on earth felt these things too, or if I was the world’s outlier on this. When at school, I’d always feel so self-conscious about everything I’d say, questioning myself before, during, and after everything that came out of my mouth. Like I said, exhausting. But I suppose all of it has led me to this person I am today, living with this thing that’s both a gift and a curse.

Other people, I’m afraid, are not quiet as lucky.

Literally me.

There are those who exist who I’ve dubbed The Problem Seekers. They’re the folks whose sole job it is to tell everyone else what’s wrong with them before holding up the mirror and reflecting it back on the self. They’ve gotten it in their heads that they’re such a beacon of morality, it becomes a duty to be able to impose their will on others. If only they could ‘fix’ everyone else first before working on themselves, then society would actually be better. Or something like that.

Either way, this mindset has been right at the forefront with each and every new Twitter File drop that crosses. What we’re seeing is those people who are so in love with themselves, they can’t for a moment even perceive what they’re doing as the morally incorrect thing to do They’ll just plow along, flexing their power, doling out the sentences from their cloud of judgment. I go to the extreme in thinking people do this because they have no soul. Perhaps they do. It’s just insulated by layers and layers of headassery. And they’d better hope that ray of self-awareness doesn’t burn too bright when the curtains open and the sun finally shines in.

My eyes.

I’ve stopped trying to help people like that, just like I’ve stopped specifically looking for people to call out. Some want to make that their career, fine. I’m far too centralized on myself at the moment. I’m aware enough to know when it’s not my place to butt in and not contribute to a conversation. When I have something to add, maybe I will. But until then, my consciousness is better spent elsewhere. I’m done trying to change people. They need to discover their own come to Jesus moment. That’s not up to me to force that into place.

The thing I’ll always push for is finding the courage within you to pick that mirror up yourself first. It’s sometimes terrifying to gaze into, as what’s gnawing at you might be seen all over your face. But it’s better to take that first step rather than someone holding it up for you. It’s less painful that way. The more you do it yourself first, the easier it’ll be to see your reflection in other people. That way, they won’t have to force you to look at all your failures and shortcomings. You’ll just know them outright.

Believe me, there’s a lot of people at the top who’ve never seen within themselves what’s so obvious to us outside observers. No one has ever held them accountable until now. And when their self-image causes the initial eruption, we’ll have enough sense to hit the deck to avoid getting cut. Leave that to them. They deserve a peg drop or two, don’t they?

Careful, it’s sharp.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s