(4) power on

April Awakening: Day 4

I overcame a massive hurdle last night. I wanted so badly to smoke a joint that I actually rolled one and placed it on my desk. It sat there for an hour as the time crept closer to bedtime. I kept trying to find any and all excuses. “It’s Sunday. If I had given pot up for Lent, it would be a free day.” “I’ll smoke tonight then I won’t smoke again until June.” It was wracking my brain over and over again until I finally said “fuck it” and just went to bed. I woke up feeling more energized than I had been in a while. I felt like I actually accomplished something, like I made a difference for myself. I would have just regretted it had I actually lit up, so I was feeling pride in a decision that I knew was the right one.

Though I didn’t technically do anything, it still felt like I was being proactive. I did something that was working toward bettering myself. Overcoming an obstacle that I’ve given into so many times before. It finally feels like I’ve turned on an internal dialogue that tells me I can do this. That I’m not a failure. That I’m better than what I’ve assumed I was my entire life.

I’ve been doing a lot of sitting around and waiting lately. For a long time, I had the excuse that I “can’t go out” because of NYC’s draconian mandates barring me from anything fun. Well, those are no longer in place, so I can actually do things again. And for the most part, I’m getting there. Going to the gym and barre classes regularly is my first step in pushing myself into booting up. But there’s still more work to be done.

What am I going to do, just sit around and wait for my sense of smell to come back? No. There’s actually exercises I can do to train my smell receptors to turn on again. It’s why I bought a set of essential oils, so I can sit and sniff and get my smell back online. What else am I going to do, sit around and wait for the love of my life to knock on my door? No, I can actually search around and see who’s out there and meet new people. I think all this working out has restarted my confidence to ‘get back out there’ anyway.

I’ve got all the tools I need to tinker with and really bring myself past start-up status. Maybe I’ve already flipped the switch, and I can sail along with a gentle hum until I need a hardware update. For all I know, two hands may be required to get everything back online.

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