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April Awakening: Day 5

I’ve always felt uneasy watching awards shows. Even as a kid I never understood the hype around them. Super Bowl half-time shows, the Grammys, American Music Awards, the Kid’s Choice Awards, I don’t even know. The Tonys? There’s so many and there used to be such reverence give to each and every one of them. I never ever could match the hype. I remember watching the Oscars one night at a friend’s sorority in college and trying to pretend to care so everyone would think I was cool. Luckily I’ve moved past that stage in my life. But they were all so focused in on who bought won what award, and I didn’t feel like being the asshole in the corner who threw water on their good time.

The fact that I was watching something of this magnitude always left me with a sense of impending doom. Like anything could happen live. And they wanted us to be utterly crazed at what they were putting on for us. This may be strange considering I work in live TV, but the goal there is to inform, rather than entertain. I can’t help but feel something much more sinister is going on behind the scenes at award shows and hyped-up concerts that pilfers something from people’s amazement and adoration at people whose names are just more well-known than others.

I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibilities to say that energies feed off of one another. If something major happens in the news, like a beloved actor slapping another beloved actor across the face, it’s talked about for an inordinate amount of time. People have to put out their reactions, they write thinkpieces about “who the slap is for,” the “toxic masculinity” abounds (although a man slapping another man ain’t all that masculine IMO), or just simply dismissing it all as a scripted, digitally-altered event. Whatever your poison, it gets drunk. And there’s definitely an energy that gets put forth when something like this takes a swing. My question is, where does all that energy go? Who benefits from it? How do we know The Powers That Be aren’t ‘staging’ events like these in order to siphon the peons’ energy to use for their own nefarious deeds?

Sorry for going full-conspiracy theorist on you there. I am wont to do that the more isolated I become. But I bring it up only because I’ve been questioning the vibrations I’ve been sending out lately, and I wonder what it’s going to take for me to bring it back to the good life.

The unease I feel these days is the same I get when watching one of these events: Anything and everything could happen at a moment’s notice. And I suspect at this point, it just might. But I need to be very careful about what kind of signals I’m sending out. Like I said, I’m relatively isolationist these days, but that doesn’t mean I have to bring anyone down as I experience it. I know I’m dealing with a lot of hurt feelings, confusion, anger, and impatience, and I don’t want that energy to be siphoned off in ways that could come back to slap me in the face.

I always hope I put out the good things. I need to try a bit harder to recycle it outward. My power is only as strong as I allow it to be. I’m not going to let the unease win this time.

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