(2) silent revolution

April Awakening: Day 2

A day of silence for me. I shut down my computer before bed instead of just putting it to sleep so I couldn’t hear the low hum of its inner workings all day. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to sleep for four hours on the couch after barre. I allowed myself to hear only my inner-most workings today, and it was telling me to just lie down and not worry about saying a thing.

But it seems my secret storm keeps a-brewing. I dreamt I began a revolution using only my words, helping a lost group of travelers overthrow the dictatorial regime we had been living under. I thought I started something good and pure, but those ‘underneath’ me began their own dictatorship, lining people up and making them prove they were worthy of the new society. If not, they were discarded. And no one ever listened to my opposition, despite holding me to a higher regard because I started this whole thing. It was a strange, vivid dream to have, and it makes me wonder why I still think it’s a good idea to open my big mouth.

I know I’m holding onto a lot of contempt right now. There’s a lot of hurt feelings I know I have not been able to let go of. That’s because as it stands right now, they haven’t had a chance to be let out to the proper venue. It’s becoming more apparent that I may not ever get a shot at letting it out to who needs to hear it. I could shout it from the rooftops until I’m blue in the face, but a part of me knows it doesn’t matter either way. It’s now my hurdle to leap over and leave in the dust so I’m not dragging it along everywhere I go.

Maybe it is best to stay silence and mull it over, instead of stewing in the bad feelings and wonder where I went wrong. If I concentrate on what else is going on inside me, the screaming inner pain will start to die down. It’ll get smaller and smaller until even the most powerful microphone can’t detect the tones. I want to believe in myself that I can just move on. Maybe this time I actually will. No need for a special announcement or anything, I’ll just go on unspeaking until someone is ready to hear what I have to say. I just hope that when the time comes, I’ll choose my words carefully, so I can help usher in something new rather than same song, second verse.

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