(1) i’ve still got time to grow

April Awakening: Day 1

I’m so bored. I don’t know what to do with myself. It was a big event for me to rent a Zipcar and take a trip to a Jersey Walmart so I could get a pair of goggles. Mine broke earlier this week as I was already in the pool, so I’ve been without the gym for a few days. It feels like the only thing I’ve been missing out on lately, which is a new feeling for me. I used to worry what was going on without me, or that there was a ton of stuff just passing me by. But I don’t feel that right now, even after intentionally nixing the one thing I see as my main social interaction. There’s plenty of conversations going on out there, but I don’t feel excluded from them at all. I’m doing some growing on my own over here, no matter how boring it may seem to the outside world.

It’s only the first of the month. I shouldn’t expect to have it all figured out right away. I’ve barely had time to let the water absorb in my roots. I’ve been tilling the soil before this journey began, though I don’t feel anything has taken hold just yet. I just feel so disconnected and isolationist, as if I’m in a place I’m not supposed to be. I’m almost asking myself to do something more, something I think everyone expects me to do versus what I actually want to do. Internally, I feel just fine with my station in life, but I know there’s something more out there for me. I just have to be brave enough to breach the surface in order to find the sun.

There’s always going to be urges I need to fight off. It’s not necessarily difficult this time around, but part of me thinks I can just sneak it into my routine. Like I can just cut corners and find myself already in bloom. But if I’m really getting serious about growing stronger, I have to rise above it all. I don’t want to just wither on the vine the moment it gets a little difficult or stagnant. This time, I can find possibilities to make it count. And I’m learning that it’s just going to take time. But with enough force and the right opportunity, I’ll be able to crack through the sidewalk and really let my petals fall open. I just need to find the right light source to really bring forth the beauty.

We’ll get there. No fooling.

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