My December to Remember: Day 30

The crazier it gets out there, the more I see things working out in the end. And these really are the end times. This part of the year always seems to zoom by. First we eat the turkey, then we light the trees. And after we watch the ball drop, it all begins anew. A slow crawl to this time of the year where we all say “I can’t believe it’s almost over!” Over and over and over again.

Just because the year changes doesn’t mean we have to. I haven’t changed one bit. Have you? I feel exactly the same. I’m not sure why you don’t, honestly. We all became just exactly who we are through this whole thing. It’s time to accept that for ourselves first before we expect everyone else around us to bend to our whims. And while we’re at it, maybe we don’t try to force people into thinking like us anyway. That never ends well now does it?

I never thought I was trying to change anyone. All I wanted was for them to at least see it my way. Just acknowledge it. You don’t have to go along with it if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t force that. But maybe this isn’t how I’ve always been perceived. Maybe someone out there thought he was being ordered to feel by me. And if someone isn’t ready to feel that, I absolutely cannot make them. So I gave up. I stopped trying. I did all that I could, and now look where it’s gotten me. I’m at the point where I would absolutely kill to have someone in my life who would straight up force me to get my fat ass off the couch and begin exercising again. Sometimes we need that little punch in the ass to get us going. I’m not willing to fight that fight myself and have made peace with that.

But maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should want better for myself. It’s actually getting to be painful sitting for long periods of time, while my body just gets bouncier and bouncier. It’s not that I am physically unable to work out, I was lifting weights not more than a week ago. But I’ve just stopped again, and see no reason to continue. I’ve never loved exercising, anyway. What’s the use of trying to change my ways now? They’re just going to hole me up in my home until they deem it safe to come out again. Who am I trying to impress over here?

I give up. I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I’m tired of searching for a reason to change my ways right now. I’m going to let it come to me. I’m going to be conscious of what I’m doing to myself, and I’ll always allow myself to try again tomorrow. I’m ambling about in the dark, fumbling for the light switch. One day, I’ll hit it. And then it’ll be on. And how quickly we’ll see what’s been in front of us this entire time.

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