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My December to Remember: Day 24

I don’t dream anymore. It’s been about a month since I’ve had one. It’s as if they all just fell out of my head. Or I’ve forgotten how. Once in a while, I’ll remember a scene or two, but they’re usually gone by the time my eyes open.

I’ve always been interested in dreams. I used to keep a dream journal as a kid. I was just looking for some kind of meaning to all it, and discover what my subconscious was all trying to tell me. Most of the time it was just reflections of my day, but as I got older, it felt like there was more meaning to them, especially when it felt like I was getting visited in my sleep. People who weren’t currently in my life would drop in occasionally to deliver a message that we’d see each other again. It would help me stop worrying so much about if things really would pan out as they should. I just always wanted them to go my way. But now, I’m starting to think that “my way” was to actually push it away from me instead.

I wonder why it is I don’t believe good things are in my future. It’s like I want everyone else to have good experiences but I don’t care if they come my way. Just as long as everyone else is happy. I don’t need anything, I’ll be fine. I sort of resigned this as my fate, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. The absence of dreams lately is telling me I’m doing something to myself to cause this. I’m keeping something away from me and would rather sink into the nothingness instead of changing it.

There’s no use in me staying asleep on my own life. It’s just felt impossible to get going. I feel very confined and solitary as of late. Like I don’t deserve to enjoy things just like everyone else. Who cares if I don’t have a dream at the moment? Well, I don’t want to feel that anymore. I don’t know where all this self-deprecation comes from, but I think it’s starting to take its toll when I turn out the light. It’s about time I flip the switch elsewhere. Half this battle in life is mental. What good is it if I’m my own worst enemy half the time?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just wonder if I’ll ever be joined on my wavelength again. To fall in the deepest state of sleep with me one day. A girl can dream, I guess. Even if she can’t right now.

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