(14) llorando por tu amor [june renew]

I’ll keep this brief. I had a good cry today. I watched A.I. Artificial Intelligence for the first time ever after work. YouTube’s been good about their free movies lately. I pretty much cried through the whole movie. Just seeing someone’s desire for love in a cruel and unfair world really got to me today. There’s for sure a hormonal factor at play here, but it’s not all that. It was a different kind of sadness today. For the first time in a long while, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. It was as though I was experiencing the loss of something I never even had. I was in mourning. Wishing, begging even, for forgiveness. Knowing that I was at fault, and praying for any form of resolution. The tears wouldn’t stop coming. It’s like I never wanted them to stop. But they eventually did, and I was alright again. I felt fullness in my heart. No pleading for the impossible, just a hundred percent acknowledgement of reality. And it was okay. I had thought a few days ago how I hadn’t cried in a while. That I thought I’d never cry again in regards to one particular aspect of my life. Well, today threw that theory right out the window. It’s still stuck to me. But it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t let what’s not present hurt me. I can only say goodbye to my own hurt at my own actions, forgive myself, and do better next time. And the longer I keep up the clarity, the more I’ll be able to shed. I’m not going to say “nothing more can hurt me,” because it absolutely can. I’ll just be able to handle it in a more mature way so no one hurts anymore. Crying over you isn’t a productive use of my time anymore. I’ve got more films I’ve never seen to pour through.