Fair Point: see & agree

I release all my thoughts expecting you to agree. I want you to agree with me. I want to pull you over to my computer to gawk at the Instagram engagement photo so you can think it’s tacky just like me. That’s all I want. Just match my enthusiasm for once. Because I feel like no one does. While a decade-old internet persona can attest that people have in fact agreed with me, it still feels like no one agrees with me. Not the way I want. Not one hundred percent. Because no one does. That’s damn near impossible. But I still feel like it is. I feel like someone out there is hearing everything I’m saying and nodding right along. They’re cheering me on, telling me to keep going the way I’m going. I’m not sure what direction that is, but I know it’s leading me to something big. Someone’s on my side here, when it felt like for years the cheese stands alone. It could all happen. I absolutely believe it could. I’ve never been so sure of something in my entire life. It all happens the day you look back at me in disbelief at what’s right in front of your eyes and say, “you seein’ this shit, too?”

Because yes. Yes I do. Don’t you?

Fair Point: a paragraph from me to you

This is the least worried I’ve ever been about anything. It feels like all the agita I’ve incurred over the past howevermany months will never bother me ever again. Nothing will. Nothing can. Something locked into place inside of me again today, and this time, I won’t be looking back. For this is who I am. This is who I’ve always been. And I have nowhere to go from here but up. I won’t let the powers that be dictate my life or what I’m about, and it’s your decision whether you want to comply or not. I shall not. I’ll land on my feet wherever I go, if I even go at all. I don’t need them to carve my path for me, as I cannot listen or respect their mixed messaging. And therefore, I shan’t. That’s not to say I want to go at this alone. You can come along if you’d like, but I will not force you to go. I don’t believe in forcing my will onto others, something these devils among us have made clear as day they’ll do. I don’t need you to agree with me, I don’t need your to praise, nor do I need to see or feel your misplaced ire. I just need you to be you. To see what’s going on. To be awake and alert to the increasing stench from it all, and use your newfound powers for good. We will never get anywhere as long as we’re pitted against one another. We have differences, but I believe so many more similarities can be found if we just tap that vein together. It’s not going to be an easy road, but you’d be amazed at how fast things go. The whole world can change in an instant. You just have to want it to. And maybe it’ll be easier to swallow if you just stuck with me this time. For real. Try it. I can’t promise you perfection, but I can promise you me. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find forever in there, too.

Fair Point: tender loving farm

We gave this relationship a try. And it’s not working. Don’t you feel that too? We’re being lied to all the time. They’ve got the wool stretched so tight over our eyes, courtesy of their hater brigade who bleats about how much better they are than us. All because we do things that they wouldn’t do. Or they’ve done something we wouldn’t. And I bet if you asked them why they feel the way they do, they wouldn’t be able to even give you a straight answer. All they know is that it feels good to hear the sound of their own snark, or inhale the scent of their own emissions. It’s better than chewing cud, after all. What they don’t know is that we’ve grown tired of it. We’ve heard enough outta them and become immune to the smell of their bullshit. They have grazed on our land long enough, and now they’ve outstayed their welcome. Go find your own spot, you buncha corn crunchers, we’ve got a field to rebuild. This is your mess we’ve gotta clean up. It’s time for you to go. Get out of here. But you’d better run fast. Because the rest of the flock is catching on that you’ve been wolves in sheep’s clothing this whole time. We’ve let them live among us because, yes, they once provided comfort in an otherwise frightening world. But now? They have betrayed every iota of trust we’ve ever had in these institutions, and now’s the time to issue an eviction notice. Break out the cattle prod. Get them out of here. We can only do that by not letting them win. To not let their narratives penetrate so deep we just baa-baa along with whatever babble they’ve doled out that day. It won’t be easy to break that conditioning, but I’m positive we’ll do it. We can manage. We’re strong. We carry those who’ve been injured or cannot fight for themselves. We won’t weed out the weak to save the rest of herd. We can always graze elsewhere, as long as we find our own spot. A better one than before. One where it’s just us together forever. A lush new farm, just waiting to be cultivated. We open ourselves up to all sorts of possibilities when we can build our own barn and raze what we don’t need. It just takes both parties being ready before we can hitch our wagon to greener pastures. I’m not worried. There’s no rush. We’ll always have one more tomorrow, just as sure as the cock crows. Sleep on it. I’ll be here, huddled up on the haystack, dreaming of farm fresh things to come.

Fair Point: back to the dreaming board

I don’t have setbacks. I just have occurrences that cause me to examine different options. Sometimes I let them disappoint me, but it doesn’t last long anymore. It’s an ebb and flow of feelings, of knowing when the right time is to strike, and when it’s right to pull back. It all seems so attainable to me. It all feels like the pieces will fall into place when it’s time to. What I’m not telling you is I feel like I’m making it all happen just by sheer force of will. If I get down on myself and put out negativity and hopelessness, then that’s what I stand to find. And that’s becoming less and less of my default. Desperation is exchanged for hopefulness, as long as what I’m striving for is based in reality. I have to distinguish what my dreamer side is telling me, and where the grounded medium is. It’s not always easy, and it may not yield what my true desires are. But I want to get as close to that as humanly possible. And something keeps telling me I will. I have no idea what’s unfolding on the path ahead of me. All I know is that I’m on it and I’m moving forward for once. No more looking back. There’s plenty of options out there.

Fair Point: keep going

I could have sat down and written a nicely-put together entry today. I didn’t. Because I just wrote for thirty days in a row. Cut me a break, I’m tired. Still, as I think about it, I wonder why I feel the need to take a break from expressing myself. I like writing. I’m good at it. I liked doing it for thirty days in a row. Although I must admit I felt an obligation to write every day. I made a promise to myself and to this blog that I would do so. Even though some of my entries would come past the 12:00AM deadline, I still wrote thirty entries for each of the thirty days in June. Some days I didn’t want to. Too tired. Those are the days I cannot even recall what I wrote. But they got published. And there was always a sense of excitement to see what it is I’d come up with that day. And after those thirty days were over, I just wanted to take a break. I wanted to take some time away from myself for just a bit. Is that so wrong? I somehow still think so. Because if I didn’t write something today, I’d be less inclined to pick up where I left off tomorrow. My laziness comes flooding back so easily. So what if instead I just keep going past the arbitrary deadline I put on myself? I wonder what would happen. I guess I’ll find out. Streaks can sometimes feel good, even if they’re something that’s just for you. I’m approaching five years since I quit smoking. I’ll never touch another cigarette. It’s a good streak to have. It’s a good feeling to count up your days and have that experience in your back pocket. So I’m going to try writing every day until it’s time to not. Not sure when that’ll be. Not sure if I even care right now. There’s a lot going on, and it’s just me versus the world. I think I can take her on, though. That epic showdown fight is inevitable at this point. Why get lazy about it when words are my most powerful weapon?

(14) llorando por tu amor

I’ll keep this brief. I had a good cry today. I watched A.I. Artificial Intelligence for the first time ever after work. YouTube’s been good about their free movies lately. I pretty much cried through the whole movie. Just seeing someone’s desire for love in a cruel and unfair world really got to me today. There’s for sure a hormonal factor at play here, but it’s not all that. It was a different kind of sadness today. For the first time in a long while, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. It was as though I was experiencing the loss of something I never even had. I was in mourning. Wishing, begging even, for forgiveness. Knowing that I was at fault, and praying for any form of resolution. The tears wouldn’t stop coming. It’s like I never wanted them to stop. But they eventually did, and I was alright again. I felt fullness in my heart. No pleading for the impossible, just a hundred percent acknowledgement of reality. And it was okay. I had thought a few days ago how I hadn’t cried in a while. That I thought I’d never cry again in regards to one particular aspect of my life. Well, today threw that theory right out the window. It’s still stuck to me. But it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t let what’s not present hurt me. I can only say goodbye to my own hurt at my own actions, forgive myself, and do better next time. And the longer I keep up the clarity, the more I’ll be able to shed. I’m not going to say “nothing more can hurt me,” because it absolutely can. I’ll just be able to handle it in a more mature way so no one hurts anymore. Crying over you isn’t a productive use of my time anymore. I’ve got more films I’ve never seen to pour through.

Fair Point: Hang Up Time

i saw someone’s name today. i didn’t mean to see it. i wasn’t even looking for it. actually, i’ve done everything i can to go out of my way and avoid it. nothing against this person, really. they haven’t even done anything to directly affect me, even when they were somewhat apart of my life. but seeing this name sent me into a loud, fervent, bubbling rage, the likes of which shocked even me. it probably shocked my co-worker too after i growled, “get off my fucking phone.” i’m not proud of that, especially when i was in such a good mood for a monday. and yet, i let this one little thing set me off. i let myself be the crazy woman near the corner office. it feels so stupid to think about. but that rage was undeniable. and i know it was misplaced anger. like i said, this person has done nothing to me to warrant such a reaction. and yet there it was. in my face. angry at me for being so angry at them. there’s a reason why, and yet i feel as though it is not my story to tell. all i can tell you is there’s some unresolved jealousy still creeping around my inner operating board, even though i am in no position to feel such things. it’s frustrating and weird and so wrong to even feel this way. and, unfortunately for me, there’s only one other person on this entire planet who i’d be able to clear the air with: the person who told me the story about the one whose name lit up on my phone. and that person is not here. i don’t know where they went. i don’t know if they’re coming back. i’m also not entirely sure what i even did to make it go away this time. i mean, it’s not like i don’t have a laundry list of reasons to choose from. i just want to know which one was the final nail in this coffin. the thing to make them close the door on me forever. except i still don’t feel like it’s over. because it’s not over until i disconnect the call. so far, no one has given me a firm and hard “no,” nor do i have any semblance of closure. as far as i’m concerned, the game is still on. and i’ll still play by my rules that i have in place: no searching for it, no actively looking for it, and certainly no reaching out to it. if this is a game of who’ll blink first, i’ll let my eyes dry out before i make a fool of myself with some grand gesture that will only end in heartbreak. things have to unload in their own time, and i feel that time rapidly approaching. i’ll get my answer one way or the other, no matter the outcome. i’ll pick up any call when it’s time. the question is, can i trust myself to keep a lid on my anger, or will i have to hear the dial tone for the rest of my life?

Fair Point: the level battlefield

I’m not blackpilled. I’ll never be blackpilled. I’ll never see the human race as doomed just because the morons in charge want to protect their own. I simply don’t imagine a world where hate and evil come out on top. Not on my watch. I won’t let that happen. Even if all I have at times is the power of my own mind. It’s been racing lately. I’ve been very inward. Usually, I’m putting thoughts out to the universe, asking for things, trying to skew things in my favor. But not this time. This time, there’s a laser-like focus that’s pushing me to discover things in life that are actually important. Attainable. Desirable. Even if I haven’t found them yet, that’s what I’m working toward. And if these things are good enough for me, then I believe they’re good enough for all of humanity. But in the meantime, I’m trying to get the best players on my team. We’re headed toward the final battle in this long, epic war. Which war? The culture war? The spiritual war? I’m not sure it’s even fair of me to put a label on it. All I know is that it’s coming, and it’s not the war they think it is. We’ve been battling with one another for God knows how long; Someone has turned the chessboard and pitted us against each other for their own amusement. But we’ve grown wise to their game. The battle lines have been drawn, and their desperate and obvious saber rattling isn’t doing what they think. It’s because those on the side of goodness and righteousness can plainly see their enemy is nothing but rattling. There’s no substance to them, at least not anymore. Their power has been all but drained. We once thought they were the world’s greatest people, worthy of awe and praise, simply for being a willing public servant. What we didn’t seem to realize, or maybe we didn’t care, is they would do these things from an unattainable level, riding their high horses as they scoffed and spit at us, offering empty words, unfulfilled promises, and a pat on the head to let us go. And thank God for their hubris, because they didn’t realize they would one day have to live in the desolate world they’ve created for us. We’re all on the same level now. Everything is out in the open. We’re on camera all the time; Mass surveillance is actually a thing, so we may as well smile about it. Because I pray each and every night for God’s light to touch every corner of His earth, dropping a big, fat spotlight on all those who have sinned against Him. You mess with Him, you mess with all of us, for He is the most good and righteous of them all. This is my truthpill moment, whether you believe in God or not. Something will drive us all forward together if we choose to go forth as one. No one can escape what’s coming, it’s all already on film. But this time, it will be us who gets to watch it all play out.