(5) trying a little more tenderness

June Renew: Day 5

Weight: 234.6

I’m not a great cook. I don’t really like to do it. As it turns out, I come from a long line of women who also don’t like to cook. My mom never cooked. My grandmother did, but she hated it. Only one of my aunts actually cooks, but she also doesn’t like doing it. I wasn’t taught how to cook growing up, as my dad kind of kept everyone out of “his” kitchen when he was cooking. So I’m kind of flying in the dark here as I keep trying to get my weight down. As you can see, I fluctuated between days. I’m trying not to get too discouraged about it. I’m just plugging along, finding out new recipes so I can stay satiated and not want to go into “fuck it” mode with food.

But there’s something satisfying about looking up a new, light recipe online and heading off to the store to get the ingredients I need. I like having a fully-stocked fridge and cabinet, though prices keep going up (15 dollars for a 6 ounce tuna steak seems steep). I like knowing I have all the capabilities to make something taste good, even if I can’t smell the ingredients coming together. I’m fully capable of living on my own if it comes to me living it on my own.

I don’t know what it is that stops me from giving myself props like this. I’m no stranger to beating myself up over literally everything. And once in a while, self-criticism seems warranted. But just because I’m not a home chef or Gordon Ramsay may not be impressed with my dishes, it’s still good enough for me. And it gets better with every new whisk of the pan.

So I’d like to carry my weight in the kitchen to other aspects of my life. Give myself credit where credit is due. At least I’m trying. At least I’m actually making the effort. And if I keep going with it, it’ll be less of a headache to whip something up the next time. I don’t have to pound everything out flat in order to make it fit the dish. A little seasoning can go a long way, especially if you’re not stopping to swat yourself with the wooden spoon over and over again. I’d rather leave a nice taste in my mouth this time. Self-kindness can be the new spice of life, if I’m wiling to try this new and improved recipe, that is.