31) inner celebrations

My December to Remember: Day 31

I don’t think I’ve made it clear just how scared I am to be alone outside in this city. At least at night. And catching a cab at 2:50AM to go to work doesn’t count. Especially now that I’ve been barred from the building. But I don’t feel safe here. I did, but not anymore. It’s a terrible feeling. I used to love being in this city at night. It was always alive, no matter what time it was. And I wasn’t worried about anything that may be lurking in the shadows.

I am now. And I fear that won’t change anytime soon.

Most people will tell me to just move. “Get out of cities” seems to be the rallying chant for anyone who doesn’t live here. But this is where my home is right now. It does me no good to just pack up and go at the moment. Unless you want to pay for any and all closing costs the sale my apartment incurs. No, for now, I’m fine. All I’m going to do is stay home until further notice. I can’t even go into my grocery store anymore because everyone is being strictly adherent to this unjust mask mandate. I can’t comply, so therefore I won’t. I can get everything I need delivered right to my door.

This won’t last forever. I really do think they’re trying to break everyone’s spirit, especially those who did not play along and get a shot. But I don’t think they took into account that introverts exist. I haven’t gone stir-crazy this whole time. I’m just naturally crazy. But it never bothered me sitting at home all the time. I used to think I was missing out on what’s going on out there, or that I wasn’t taking advantage of living here. I don’t think that anymore. Now, I think people are missing out on what I’m cultivating in here.

2022 stands to be a good year for all of us. We have every opportunity to do some good here and actually transition into a new life. We don’t have to keep doing things that aren’t working anymore. We can make changes and hone our powers. I bought a standing desk today because I have no idea how long I’ll be working from home. I see it as a gamechanger. I don’t need anyone and no one needs me.

I’ve written something down every day for thirty-one days, and I intend on keeping up with regular entries here. I feel like I’m working toward something all the time. And maybe I don’t need to “get out there” and feel the grind of life right now. Maybe all I need is to stay right here until everyone else catches up. I only need to stay in my cocoon for a little longer. The time for celebration is here.