It’s been difficult writing today. I’ve started and restarted this countless times, deleting, rewriting, back and forth, over and over again. Knowing what I want to say but having no idea how to say it. But you know what? It doesn’t matter one way or the other. I can sit here and tell you my feelings, but what do you care? It’s fine if you do, but you have your own life to take care of. I understand. I’m not mad about it, and I don’t expect you to change that just for me. We all have to live with ourselves in ways others don’t. We’re in our own heads 24/7. No one else is in there. And for me, I’m just in a head that is no longer going to be clouded. At least not for the next thirty days. I hope it goes further than that, but if it doesn’t, it won’t matter. Not as long as I fulfill this promise to myself.
Mind over matter isn’t a problem when your drug of choice is no longer present. I can’t smoke something I physically don’t have, and any oral need can easily be satiated. If the craving of inhale, exhale becomes too much, I have some CBD cigarettes I can jones on. But I haven’t lit up anything today. I just wanted to be sad about all the things I do not have. That feels easy to do when you let go of one thing you know isn’t good for you, but cling steadfast to another thing that also brings you down.
I do like to sit in the doldrums, it seems. It feels like a default position that I’ve created. I see myself as someone who, despite all efforts and wishes for change, will always wind up with the short end of the stick. It’s like my feelings and thoughts don’t matter in the long run because no one will ever be around to hear them. Whether or not this is true, it’s still how I feel. I don’t want to sink into the big nothing, but again, what would anyone care if I did or not?
It’s all so terribly confusing, and it feels like using pot helped me make the pieces fit a little better. I could almost justify my confusion and pull out some random thought from space in order to make it click. I can’t feel bad about something if I’ve elevated my thinking enough to put me on top. Well, that’s gone now. It’s just not an option. So how I once felt doesn’t even matter. I’ve got to focus on what’s in front of me, and I’ve got to stop expecting myself to get it right the first time, and done all in one day. I think if I get over that hurdle, I’ll be alright. For now, at least.
But will it matter either way?