(25) betting season

April Awakening: Day 25

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’ve got the upper hand here. I feel like the ball is in my court, when for so long it simply was not. I’m the one holding the cards this time. Advantage, Gina. Not only do I know what my worth is, I feel it within me. I want to live it. I don’t just want to see the hand on the table, never playing my hand because I know the house always wins. No, I have a real shot here this time. And I’ve got to be careful with this impending jackpot.

I do find myself to be a very emotional person, but over the years I’ve not let it show as much. People who know me may disagree, as I do wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when tensions run high in the control room. But when it comes to the real depth of what’s inside, that always stays close to the vest. It’s the Ace in my pocket, meant only for the realest moment of them all. Which I know is coming. Somehow, someday I’ll get dealt the perfect hand, knowing the coldness will melt when it’s time to ante up.

I worry sometimes I’m too aloof or too mysterious, not letting anyone in or know exactly what I’m thinking, even if the moment calls for it. But I think the first step is admitting this power I have. It’s the power over myself, knowing I can choose one way to be over another after I split the deck. I’d rather choose warmth and understanding this time, rather than play my hand too early and give it all away.

I’ll get it one day. I’d put money on it.

(3) the great disconnect

April Awakening: Day 3

Today it actually felt real. Things felt tangible to me for the first time in a long while. I was present in the moment, and there wasn’t a bunch of mysticism surrounding it. I woke up early and headed to a diner I hadn’t ever been to before. Usually I bring my laptop so I could write, but today I unplugged and I brought a book I’d been pouring through for the past few months. I was seated right away. No one asked me for any kind of proof of a medical procedure. I may have some PTSD from all that segregation. But I sat, I ordered breakfast, and read. I did laundry. I hung some portraits. I had these nice little moments with myself. Some of many I feel like I’ll be having for the rest of my life.

Part of me used to think the clearer I was, the more my path would manifest in front of me. Stoned thinking usually leads to some not-so-down-to-earth conclusions. Usually, I’d see the signals that something I’ve been hoping on for years was in fact coming to me. But that’s not happening this time. In fact, the exact opposite is occurring. I feel like my time has been wasted, I feel like it’s too late, and I feel like there’s no point in wishing on a sense that’s just not there. It may be time to hang it all up for real. I’m not about to force something into place that’s not meant to be, as it’s not in my best interest to break the sound barrier by screaming too loud into the receiver.

I’ve been in the silence for over forty-eight hours. It’s much easier to be without social media than I thought it would be. But I really feel the rain cloud looming overhead this time around. I’m trying to find an excuse as to why I feel like this, like I’m facing some anxiety as my thirty-sixth year approaches. But it really feels like something different this time. Like I really could end up alone forever. No matter what happens, no matter who crosses my path, no one will ever find the connection to me ever again. Lose my number, because I’m already lost. Maybe I’m just meant to be a solo entity. Maybe no one is meant to relate to me in the traditional sense. Maybe this life just has more on the line for me than what I previously thought.

I’m struggling. I know everyone is, but I really don’t feel like I’m able to properly portray just how hard it feels right now. It’s like I have to worry about everyone else before I can be the first on call. I don’t know how to get over this, either. I don’t know what it’s going to take. Perhaps it’s still too early to tell. But as long as I keep dialing into the right phonelines, I can stop worrying about who’s not showing up on mine. It’s taking all that’s in me to not roll a blunt right now. Or sip some whisky. Do something that will combat this never-ending boredom. This recycled anxiety with nowhere to go but in and out of my inner call box.

I’ll get over it. I’m hearing that dial tone. Someone has to hang it up eventually, and it may as well be me.

yeah, fight the system

People are not commodities. We can’t just be picked up and thrown out like yesterday’s garbage. People have been doing that for centuries, disposing of those they find no longer necessary. Some even go as far as to take their physical life.

I say no more. I say we avoid that as much as we can. Treat others well. Treat ourselves well, first and foremost. Be aware of what you’re putting in your body. Move around. Be with one another. Never let another hurt another if you can help it.

And that includes you.

Later that eve, she arrived at her favorite neighborhood deli to pick up her order of one Philly cheesesteak and a diet Coke.

Fair Point: tender loving farm

We gave this relationship a try. And it’s not working. Don’t you feel that too? We’re being lied to all the time. They’ve got the wool stretched so tight over our eyes, courtesy of their hater brigade who bleats about how much better they are than us. All because we do things that they wouldn’t do. Or they’ve done something we wouldn’t. And I bet if you asked them why they feel the way they do, they wouldn’t be able to even give you a straight answer. All they know is that it feels good to hear the sound of their own snark, or inhale the scent of their own emissions. It’s better than chewing cud, after all. What they don’t know is that we’ve grown tired of it. We’ve heard enough outta them and become immune to the smell of their bullshit. They have grazed on our land long enough, and now they’ve outstayed their welcome. Go find your own spot, you buncha corn crunchers, we’ve got a field to rebuild. This is your mess we’ve gotta clean up. It’s time for you to go. Get out of here. But you’d better run fast. Because the rest of the flock is catching on that you’ve been wolves in sheep’s clothing this whole time. We’ve let them live among us because, yes, they once provided comfort in an otherwise frightening world. But now? They have betrayed every iota of trust we’ve ever had in these institutions, and now’s the time to issue an eviction notice. Break out the cattle prod. Get them out of here. We can only do that by not letting them win. To not let their narratives penetrate so deep we just baa-baa along with whatever babble they’ve doled out that day. It won’t be easy to break that conditioning, but I’m positive we’ll do it. We can manage. We’re strong. We carry those who’ve been injured or cannot fight for themselves. We won’t weed out the weak to save the rest of herd. We can always graze elsewhere, as long as we find our own spot. A better one than before. One where it’s just us together forever. A lush new farm, just waiting to be cultivated. We open ourselves up to all sorts of possibilities when we can build our own barn and raze what we don’t need. It just takes both parties being ready before we can hitch our wagon to greener pastures. I’m not worried. There’s no rush. We’ll always have one more tomorrow, just as sure as the cock crows. Sleep on it. I’ll be here, huddled up on the haystack, dreaming of farm fresh things to come.

guys be like

Babe.

Hi.

::wave emoji::

Please don’t be mad at me.

I’ve missed you so much.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.

Each day that goes by without you seems longer than the last.

It’s been torture not knowing where you are.

How you’re doing.

What you’re doing.

Who you’re doing.

::wink emoji::

I just want us to be us again.

I can’t stand not knowing who you are right now.

I want to see it first-hand.

I’ve wanted it for a very long time.

And I just don’t know how to tell you.

Tell me what I have to do to make us us again.

I want to hear it all.

From you and from your heart.

::heart emoji::

Please let me know.

I don’t want it to go out like this.

I promise I’ll always be there.

For you.

For us.

But I’ll understand if that’s not what you want.

I hope I’m wrong about that.

Until then, I’ll be waiting.

Until the end of time.

Because it’s been you.

It’s always been you.

And I just want you to know that.

So I’ll just be here, hoping and wishing and praying this comes to pass.

Because I’m there for you.

For us.

Forever and ever.

::eggplant emoji::