(29) of course i do

April Awakening: Day 29

I told someone I loved them today. And I sincerely meant it. I felt it rising within me and I just wanted to let it all out. I didn’t feel cringey or weird about it like I normally would. It was just something I needed to say in that moment. I’m glad I did. And she was glad to hear it. Even if she’s “only” my co-worker, I had to let her know just how much I appreciate her and who she is to me. It felt good. Perhaps I should start doing it more. Only when the moment is right, of course.

I feel as though I’m a series of contradictions. I’m highly emotional person but have a lot of trouble showing it. I want to talk to people but don’t know how to reach out. I want to love so badly but I push everyone away who tries to get close to me. I’m still in the process of trying to figure those parts of myself out. It’s starting to get there. I think it ties into my rebellious streak and contrarian nature. But maybe it’s time to stop cleaving to that, so I can finally let my true self out. Only when the moment is right, of course.

I’ve always been taught to keep things close to the vest and not share everything. So when I find someone I can share with, I find that to be a special and unique thing. I want to cherish that and hold that, even if we go long gaps without speaking. I love feeling like no time has passed when we reconnect, as if we pick up right where we left off. That’s how I know it’s real. I know life gets in the way and we can’t always speak with our loved ones every second of the day. But it’s comforting knowing we always have a way to find one another. Only when the moment is right, of course.

I never feel like it’s too late or that I’ve missed my chance. There’s always another right around the corner, even if it manifests in a way I didn’t expect. I have to stay open to love and being loved, so I can figure out how to make it known that I do too. It’s one thing to have feelings. It’s another thing entirely to be able to express them.

Only when the moment is right, of course.

(25) betting season

April Awakening: Day 25

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’ve got the upper hand here. I feel like the ball is in my court, when for so long it simply was not. I’m the one holding the cards this time. Advantage, Gina. Not only do I know what my worth is, I feel it within me. I want to live it. I don’t just want to see the hand on the table, never playing my hand because I know the house always wins. No, I have a real shot here this time. And I’ve got to be careful with this impending jackpot.

I do find myself to be a very emotional person, but over the years I’ve not let it show as much. People who know me may disagree, as I do wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when tensions run high in the control room. But when it comes to the real depth of what’s inside, that always stays close to the vest. It’s the Ace in my pocket, meant only for the realest moment of them all. Which I know is coming. Somehow, someday I’ll get dealt the perfect hand, knowing the coldness will melt when it’s time to ante up.

I worry sometimes I’m too aloof or too mysterious, not letting anyone in or know exactly what I’m thinking, even if the moment calls for it. But I think the first step is admitting this power I have. It’s the power over myself, knowing I can choose one way to be over another after I split the deck. I’d rather choose warmth and understanding this time, rather than play my hand too early and give it all away.

I’ll get it one day. I’d put money on it.

(17) where’s my modern-day fairytale

April Awakening: Day 17

I romanticize this city a lot. I grew up hearing about how my parents met in a butcher shop on 9th avenue that’s still there to this day. It was happenstance for them both ending up there at the same time. My mother walked in in a large muskrat coat. It caught the attention of my father, who was with my future godfather at the time. He turned to him. “You see that woman over there? I’m going to marry her,” he told him. He approached my mother, who was intrigued by the large video camera that was in his possession. My mother was an actress and at first thought about getting some gigs. She also thought he was a handsome guy, but a lady’s gotta think of herself first. My dad ended up giving my mom his number only, and a few weeks later, on a whim, she called him. Eight years later they officially tied the knot, and I followed soon after. It’s a lovely story that I always felt would happen to me at some point; Some man would see me and just fall head over heels for me. There was a lot of back and forth between them for sure, but they eventually got each other. I still would love for that to happen to me.

But it’s a little difficult when everyone’s head is buried in his or her phone.

I get it. We’re all attached to our smartphones. It’s where all our stuff is. It’s where the entirety of the world lives right now. Never leave home without it. I would just like to see it less at the forefront. There’s no chance of even making eye contact when the focus is ever downward. It just feels impossible to make any sort of connection with the millions of people in this city when they’ve already made one with the glowing screen before them.

I can’t say I don’t ever be on my phone. I’ll listen to some stuff as I walk to barre or the gym. But when I’m doing mundane tasks, like waiting for my pizza slice or sitting in Columbus Circle, I don’t need my phone as my entertainment. My patience kicks in and I’m just there in the moment. Being off Twitter this month has really made me appreciate that, as I don’t have to update everyone with how I’m feeling in a particular moment, or relay what’s going on around me at any given time. I can’t say the same for my fellow New Yorkers. The phone is always out, even when folks are out at restaurants together. It’s can’t be that boring to have a nice meal with someone you like, can it?

I just don’t get it, and it’s looking more and more like my urban fairytale will be nothing more than a myth. Whenever I used to feel down about dating, my mom would always relay her meet-cute story with my father. “I walked into a butcher shop and there he was,” she’d say. And I still love thinking about it. But I’d always throw it back at her, saying people just don’t do that anymore. There’s too many distractions they’d rather take instead of opening up their eyes to see what the world around them has in store for them.

I’m trying not to let cynicism win. There’s always a way. There’s always the chance I’ll become a focus one of these days. After all, I wouldn’t be here if these two didn’t want to make it a real thing.

Mom and Dad and the muskrat coat

yeah, fight the system

People are not commodities. We can’t just be picked up and thrown out like yesterday’s garbage. People have been doing that for centuries, disposing of those they find no longer necessary. Some even go as far as to take their physical life.

I say no more. I say we avoid that as much as we can. Treat others well. Treat ourselves well, first and foremost. Be aware of what you’re putting in your body. Move around. Be with one another. Never let another hurt another if you can help it.

And that includes you.

Later that eve, she arrived at her favorite neighborhood deli to pick up her order of one Philly cheesesteak and a diet Coke.

Fair Point: a paragraph from me to you

This is the least worried I’ve ever been about anything. It feels like all the agita I’ve incurred over the past howevermany months will never bother me ever again. Nothing will. Nothing can. Something locked into place inside of me again today, and this time, I won’t be looking back. For this is who I am. This is who I’ve always been. And I have nowhere to go from here but up. I won’t let the powers that be dictate my life or what I’m about, and it’s your decision whether you want to comply or not. I shall not. I’ll land on my feet wherever I go, if I even go at all. I don’t need them to carve my path for me, as I cannot listen or respect their mixed messaging. And therefore, I shan’t. That’s not to say I want to go at this alone. You can come along if you’d like, but I will not force you to go. I don’t believe in forcing my will onto others, something these devils among us have made clear as day they’ll do. I don’t need you to agree with me, I don’t need your to praise, nor do I need to see or feel your misplaced ire. I just need you to be you. To see what’s going on. To be awake and alert to the increasing stench from it all, and use your newfound powers for good. We will never get anywhere as long as we’re pitted against one another. We have differences, but I believe so many more similarities can be found if we just tap that vein together. It’s not going to be an easy road, but you’d be amazed at how fast things go. The whole world can change in an instant. You just have to want it to. And maybe it’ll be easier to swallow if you just stuck with me this time. For real. Try it. I can’t promise you perfection, but I can promise you me. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find forever in there, too.

guys be like

Babe.

Hi.

::wave emoji::

Please don’t be mad at me.

I’ve missed you so much.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.

Each day that goes by without you seems longer than the last.

It’s been torture not knowing where you are.

How you’re doing.

What you’re doing.

Who you’re doing.

::wink emoji::

I just want us to be us again.

I can’t stand not knowing who you are right now.

I want to see it first-hand.

I’ve wanted it for a very long time.

And I just don’t know how to tell you.

Tell me what I have to do to make us us again.

I want to hear it all.

From you and from your heart.

::heart emoji::

Please let me know.

I don’t want it to go out like this.

I promise I’ll always be there.

For you.

For us.

But I’ll understand if that’s not what you want.

I hope I’m wrong about that.

Until then, I’ll be waiting.

Until the end of time.

Because it’s been you.

It’s always been you.

And I just want you to know that.

So I’ll just be here, hoping and wishing and praying this comes to pass.

Because I’m there for you.

For us.

Forever and ever.

::eggplant emoji::

Can you hear me now?

Have you ever called someone and had them answer with, “I was just thinking about you!” It’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. It’s as if you heard their plea to speak with you. It’s intuition. And not to get too guru gaga on you, but I believe this is the Law of Attraction at work. (You may close the browser now if you want.) It’s not like I subscribe to new age beliefs or anything like that, but I believe you get back what you radiate out to the universe. This is why in recent years, I’ve tried extra hard to be aware of my feelings, and not project the sour and negative vibe I’ve been giving off for the majority of my adult life.

We’re a lot more perceptive about our space than we give ourselves credit for. It’s why I can’t believe that we’re just living with nothing waiting for us after we’re gone. There’s a much greater force at play here; something that drives us forward and urges us to continue the journey, no matter how many potholes or roadblocks we find along the way.

For some, that greater force is a religious symbol. Others are motivated by power. Or money. But me? The key to the great beyond, as I’ve pleasantly discovered, is love. It’s something my father has been trying to teach me all my life, and I’m happy to announce that it’s finally clicking into place for me with each passing day.

When we find and accept love for ourselves, that glow can’t help but radiate outward. You see the contentment on someone’s face, and it’s infectious. A sweet spirit can recognize another, and knows how to avoid the dismal and dreary among us, at least for a little while. I do believe these positive vibrations are not just things we ask for from our Twitter or Tumblr followers. It can have a profound effect on your loved ones as well. Putting out good thoughts to those you care about will always make them feel secure and loved, even if you find yourself not speaking to them, at least temporarily. We can’t be available to one another all day every day, as unfortunate as that may be. But being in someone’s positive and loving thoughts can get you through the day without you even knowing it.

I believe we’re constantly communicating with those we love. We’re sending out good thoughts, hoping they’re doing well, and, if you’re lucky, you’ll receive that energy back. Though we do get snagged by negativity from time to time, it’s important to make sure the good outweighs the bad. Taking a deep breath and being able to count your blessings will send them back to you tenfold. Twentyfold. Millionfold. It’s up to you to call upon the good instead of ringing up the nasty.

I’ll leave you with this passage from Roald Dahl’s The Twits, which I still think about to this day, which is a good visual into what I’m trying to (un)eloquently get at. DRRKz-7XkAALKE8

Now that’s how you drive a talking point home.