(1) ’til death

June Renew: Day 1

Weight: 234.2

Today I woke up to the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose we all did, if we woke up at all. That sounds morbid, but we’re all on our own timeframe. No one knows exactly how long we have, and no one knows the manner in which we’ll go. Death really is the great equalizer. We’re all born, we all die. It’s one thing we all actually have in common.

I used to fear the permanent ending. I was terrified by cemeteries as a kid. I’d hold my breath and cross my fingers each time we’d pass one in the car. There was just something so unsettling about someone living below ground, even though they were no longer alive. It took me a long time to process that people would one day simply not be on this earth anymore. Now I have no qualms about it. My last breath will come one way or the other. I can’t spend all my time thinking about it while I’ve still got a lot more inhaling to do.

Someone once said to me, after we hadn’t spoke for a time, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And that you didn’t want me dead.” I knew they were joking, but I would never wish for that. I don’t want anyone to die. I’m not sure I even believe we “die” anymore. We just step into the next plane of existence, whatever that may be. No one knows, because no one’s really come back to tell us. I say “really” because I do believe people have had near-death experiences. But I don’t know how true they all are. We see weird things when we’re at the supposed end of our lives, I assume. Any of it can be true. But what I’m growing surer of is that there are certain things that need to fall away and die in order for us to get to where we’re meant to be.

I wonder if it’s appropriate to say certain parts of ourselves ‘die off’ as we grow. I’ve definitely been feeling that lately. Like I’ve stepped onto my own new plane. I’ve died and been granted a new life where I’m the captain of my own ship; a powerhouse of knowledge who’s a dutiful employee and a homebody with a beautiful life. No bleakness, no feeling sorry for myself. All that seems dead and buried at this juncture. This is a reborn sort of Gina. Or maybe I should actually reemerge as Giovanna. My workplace changed my display name to my legal name last week, even though I didn’t ask them to. People seemed to like it. Perhaps this is a unique opportunity to introduce myself as my reborn self. Who she is fully, I do not know, but I’ve got a strong enough foundation to discover all the good as I walk this new ether.

I’m not trying to start out this challenge on a down note. I really haven’t been feeling forlorn lately. I’ve just been me, thousands of ‘little deaths’ and all. I’m in control of my life until the day I decide to make it a couple. Then it’s our life. Right now, it’s just me and the world. And it’s not too far off to think that we’ll all reach our own sort of expiration date soon. What we’re experiencing certainly isn’t sustainable. The pieces are beginning to fit, people are seeing the writing on the wall, and I sense an upcoming supernova that will eventually end it all.

It’s coming. Dress your best as we all go down with the ship. Another will be waiting for us at the end of the long road. Just as long as I don’t kill what’s left of my will to challenge myself, we’ll have nothing left to fear. Savor each day. There’s no telling how many more we’ve got.

(14) s.o.s.

April Awakening: Day 14

More crazy news broke during our show. Elon Musk wrote a letter to the board and made a hostile takeover bid to buy Twitter. A $43 billion deal. Huge news. So we did what we did by reporting on it, all the while handling bank earnings at the same time. It was a great day. I’m not chalking it up to anything other than being on a great team who knows how to come to one another’s rescue. It’s the Musk story that’s kind of blowing my mind right now and making me rethink the deep dive into where I put my faith.

The sentiment I’m getting is that people think Musk is out to “save free speech,” or “save the platform,” or “save democracy” in and of itself. It’s a huge weight to put on just one guy’s shoulders, whether or not he’s the richest guy on the planet or not. People did, and still do, the same thing to President Trump. They end up deifying a human as the one who will solve all our problems, while putting valid criticisms on the backburner. I don’t want to act like a doomsayer but I’ve believed for a long, long time that no one man can “save” anyone. I don’t believe that power lies with man, period. There’s no one in this world I can rely on who’ll wave a magic wand and make it all better. But I see many who think that’s the case, though I see it beginning to dwindle as people wake up and extricate their own selves from all the destructive thinking.

And I can’t blame people for feeling that. Because I’m still waiting for that one news story to break that’ll save my soul, too.

I’ve always thought a higher power was up there to help us out and guide us through life. If there’s anyone who deserves my full devotion, it would be Him. Like I said, that’s not reserved for man. But I don’t know why it seems impossible for me to put just a little bit of trust into those who actually might want to make the world a better place. Could Elon’s takeover of Twitter be a good thing? Maybe. I still maintain that someone at that level, with the money he has to burn, knows more secrets about how the world operates than we could ever even conceive. But maybe all that knowledge can go far when we’re adrift in a sea of confusion. At least it can be a helpful voice after the shipwreck.

No one can give you your freedom. You have to find it for yourself. I’ve got my internal freedom that I wish other people will find for themselves. But the circumstances around me are still restrictive to some extent. I’m hoping that lifts soon. It feels like a life preserver is coming my way, letting me know it’ll all be fine once I’m pulled out of the angry seas. It’s just not going to come from anyone here on Earth. Elon’s not the answer, Trump isn’t the answer, and I’m starting to believe voting isn’t either. Maybe it’ll help, but it’s never the be all end all. Those folks who have “the intel” may just be spinning their wheels as much as the next guy. I’d rather have my inner freedom. My inner safety. No matter what chaos lies beneath the waves, I know I’m safe within me. It’s where my soul resides after all. That’s the one thing I have no problem clinging onto for dear life.