(15) get thee behind me

June Renew: Day 15

Weight: 234.4

I woke up feeling weird. I don’t know what came over me yesterday. It was like something else was possessing me and taking all the control. I think I overindulged in my hedonistic tendencies, and I wonder if what I did was enough to warrant everlasting punishment. My body betrayed my heart and I let baser instincts take over. It felt right at the moment, even if it was “wrong.” And I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again if the timing was right.

But waking up feeling like the Devil himself crawled inside me is something I hope never to revisit ever again.

I’m not trying to sell my soul to evil. I’m not attempting to put the focus on the dark side. I’ve believed in God my entire life but have slowly drifted away from the institution of religion for much of my adult life. I was going to church regularly, but dipped the moment one of the priests brought politics into a homily. It was just not an appropriate thing to say inside God’s house. I confronted him about it after the service and he said he didn’t believe he had done so. Something had just felt ‘off’ for me for a while, so I left. I suppose I could have found a different church, but I also didn’t feel like I needed a sit-down hour a week to be with God. The ritualistic nature of it all was something I felt I could leave behind, so I did. Now it’s my own personal walk with The Creator, and I hope other people find theirs.

But I’m still human. I still have wants and needs. And if I’m being this devilish lady with someone I feel God put here for me, is it really as bad as I’m making it?

Maybe I’m just responding to all the insanity we see every day. We’re watching the wheels fall off the wagon in real time, seeing the demons take hold on His earth, all the while hearing some class of people telling us all that we’re witnessing is normal. It’s not. There’s a lot of ‘not normal’ going on. There’s a lot of ‘don’t believe your lyin’ eyes’ going on. And there will be many people who’ve never known God who have to repent in front of Him soon. I won’t cheer on destruction or damnation of people, just as I shouldn’t beat myself up for wanting to show my love in all sorts of crazy ways.

The war is ongoing. The spiritual battle is raging. I know what side I’m on. I pray every day you’re there with me. Because once Judgment Day comes, it won’t be pretty for those who’ve danced with the demons for too long. I only sometimes want a tango for two. Hey, I’m only human after all.

(14) s.o.s.

April Awakening: Day 14

More crazy news broke during our show. Elon Musk wrote a letter to the board and made a hostile takeover bid to buy Twitter. A $43 billion deal. Huge news. So we did what we did by reporting on it, all the while handling bank earnings at the same time. It was a great day. I’m not chalking it up to anything other than being on a great team who knows how to come to one another’s rescue. It’s the Musk story that’s kind of blowing my mind right now and making me rethink the deep dive into where I put my faith.

The sentiment I’m getting is that people think Musk is out to “save free speech,” or “save the platform,” or “save democracy” in and of itself. It’s a huge weight to put on just one guy’s shoulders, whether or not he’s the richest guy on the planet or not. People did, and still do, the same thing to President Trump. They end up deifying a human as the one who will solve all our problems, while putting valid criticisms on the backburner. I don’t want to act like a doomsayer but I’ve believed for a long, long time that no one man can “save” anyone. I don’t believe that power lies with man, period. There’s no one in this world I can rely on who’ll wave a magic wand and make it all better. But I see many who think that’s the case, though I see it beginning to dwindle as people wake up and extricate their own selves from all the destructive thinking.

And I can’t blame people for feeling that. Because I’m still waiting for that one news story to break that’ll save my soul, too.

I’ve always thought a higher power was up there to help us out and guide us through life. If there’s anyone who deserves my full devotion, it would be Him. Like I said, that’s not reserved for man. But I don’t know why it seems impossible for me to put just a little bit of trust into those who actually might want to make the world a better place. Could Elon’s takeover of Twitter be a good thing? Maybe. I still maintain that someone at that level, with the money he has to burn, knows more secrets about how the world operates than we could ever even conceive. But maybe all that knowledge can go far when we’re adrift in a sea of confusion. At least it can be a helpful voice after the shipwreck.

No one can give you your freedom. You have to find it for yourself. I’ve got my internal freedom that I wish other people will find for themselves. But the circumstances around me are still restrictive to some extent. I’m hoping that lifts soon. It feels like a life preserver is coming my way, letting me know it’ll all be fine once I’m pulled out of the angry seas. It’s just not going to come from anyone here on Earth. Elon’s not the answer, Trump isn’t the answer, and I’m starting to believe voting isn’t either. Maybe it’ll help, but it’s never the be all end all. Those folks who have “the intel” may just be spinning their wheels as much as the next guy. I’d rather have my inner freedom. My inner safety. No matter what chaos lies beneath the waves, I know I’m safe within me. It’s where my soul resides after all. That’s the one thing I have no problem clinging onto for dear life.