(20) just visiting

April Awakening: Day 20

I’ve been having vivid dreams lately. Last night’s was so intense, I had to physically pull myself out of it. I remember being so unsure of whether or not I was dreaming, I pinched my forehead to see if it would hurt. It didn’t. That’s the only way I knew. There was a distinct feeling of needing to extricate myself from the spot I had found myself in. And it wasn’t like I was having a bad dream. Bret Michaels was there. But either way, it was the first time in a long time I felt the need to escape my own mind. It was like a desperation to wake myself up and let myself know this wasn’t real, even though a part of me so wished that it was. Because last night, I asked God for a sign, and someone decided to pay a visit to my subconscious.

I always put so much weight into dreams like this. I wonder if it’s actually possible for those you miss and want to see more than anything to actually stop by and see you as you slumber. But that doesn’t explain all the random people who also show up. Like Bret Michaels. But the authenticity of who it is just seems to keep me going. It doesn’t allow me to give up on what I’ve been thinking this entire time. So I let these visits continue, and let them carry me through the next day. I don’t need to worry about it as much. I can find the confidence that it will one day be what I want it to be, even if it takes much longer than I would like. Something gets captured and stays with me, allowing me to wake rather than sleep on what’s not present.

I don’t mind living in the ethereal. It’s where all my great ideas are. But I know I just can’t rely on my dreams only. I have to be in the here and now, and live with what I’ve got. Whatever has a hold on my heart can be revisited from time to time until it’s time for it to spill forth and be here with me. It’s always possible. Anything is possible.

See you in my dreams.

24) perchance to dream

My December to Remember: Day 24

I don’t dream anymore. It’s been about a month since I’ve had one. It’s as if they all just fell out of my head. Or I’ve forgotten how. Once in a while, I’ll remember a scene or two, but they’re usually gone by the time my eyes open.

I’ve always been interested in dreams. I used to keep a dream journal as a kid. I was just looking for some kind of meaning to all it, and discover what my subconscious was all trying to tell me. Most of the time it was just reflections of my day, but as I got older, it felt like there was more meaning to them, especially when it felt like I was getting visited in my sleep. People who weren’t currently in my life would drop in occasionally to deliver a message that we’d see each other again. It would help me stop worrying so much about if things really would pan out as they should. I just always wanted them to go my way. But now, I’m starting to think that “my way” was to actually push it away from me instead.

I wonder why it is I don’t believe good things are in my future. It’s like I want everyone else to have good experiences but I don’t care if they come my way. Just as long as everyone else is happy. I don’t need anything, I’ll be fine. I sort of resigned this as my fate, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. The absence of dreams lately is telling me I’m doing something to myself to cause this. I’m keeping something away from me and would rather sink into the nothingness instead of changing it.

There’s no use in me staying asleep on my own life. It’s just felt impossible to get going. I feel very confined and solitary as of late. Like I don’t deserve to enjoy things just like everyone else. Who cares if I don’t have a dream at the moment? Well, I don’t want to feel that anymore. I don’t know where all this self-deprecation comes from, but I think it’s starting to take its toll when I turn out the light. It’s about time I flip the switch elsewhere. Half this battle in life is mental. What good is it if I’m my own worst enemy half the time?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just wonder if I’ll ever be joined on my wavelength again. To fall in the deepest state of sleep with me one day. A girl can dream, I guess. Even if she can’t right now.