14) just a worry-free girl

My December to Remember: Day 14

I’m sorry if you feel worried a lot. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly worried about something that was completely out of my control. But I do remember what it feels like. The agony. The crying out. The wishing and wondering what’s gone wrong.

I’m happy to report I don’t feel that way. Not lately. Not anymore.

Because there’s finally no question in my mind. I will eventually get what I want. If not in this life, then certainly the next. I finally have so much to look forward to. I still like to yell and complain when no one’s looking, but that’s because I see so much wrongdoing in this world. I need to let it all out somehow.

I never realized how much I can let in when I finally let it all go. No long-term stresses. Only things that happen in the moment. I work in live TV, where every second counts. I don’t have the time to look forward to what’s down the line, or look back on the life I once had. It’s an equilibrium that goes right down the center of it all, and all I want to do is bring people with me.

I wish everyone could find their own balance where life doesn’t have to feel so scary. There comes a point where you don’t have to harp on the plans you’ve made. You let them out and then live your life. It’s just that simple. I think they’ve kept everyone in a state of pure worry and fear that nothing outside the comfort bubble is allowed. I’ve just never rolled that way. I’d much rather be out in the open, able to explore this field we’ve found ourselves on, with no one who can stop me. I’ll know the danger when I see it, and I’ll know how to avoid it. I’m not thinking too far ahead. It’s just what I need now.

Sorry if you’re not there yet.

5) my number’s up

My December to Remember: Day 5

I’ve been thinking about how I acted last year. It’s kind of hard for me to even remember, as the entire world did its own one-eighty into complete disaster. I remember a lot of hurt, anger, and sadness. And I took it out on a lot of people. Mostly myself. But I did slip up here and there, as we’re wont to do. We can’t be perfect twenty four-seven after all.

I remember a lot of longing. Needing. Crying. Pleading. It’s so unattractive to me now, I can’t even imagine doing it. Maybe I really am letting go of my anger over something I wanted so badly for years, only to find that it wasn’t going to happen. At least not in this lifetime. But it finally feels like I’m not missing out on anything. That’s another feeling that took over last year. Obviously. The whole world shut down. There was so much out there to do, but they wouldn’t let us do it. No, we were all in this together. We had to come together as one world to pull us out of the quagmire. Well, here we are, twenty one months later, and we’re still as far apart as ever. And yet, I’m not missing out on a single thing. New York City is kind of “back,” as they say, but it won’t be as long as they’re barring certain individuals from partaking in the fun. Maybe the fun is finally out there now. Maybe it’s in here with me, and those who said “no thanks” are actually the ones missing out on me.

So this is the end. That life is over. It’s finally reached six feet under status. And I won’t miss it this time. We all make choices that are best for us, but sometimes those choices are foisted upon us. We just have to roll with it. Life goes on until the next one comes around. We live infinite lives with infinite possibilities in it, whether we’re on this earth or have moved onto the next plane.

There’s a lot of living left to do. And I don’t feel like spending it crying over what walked away from me. I’m only thirty five. There’s a whole lifetime out there waiting for me to live it. And if you’ve taken a ticket, I’m sure I’ll call your number one day.