Circling back

I’ve been out of the loop lately. Nothing is wrong, it’s just the holidays leave plenty of time to reboot and renew, and unfortunately for me that comes at the expense of my writing. I have been writing, just not here. And I hope I can change that as the new year begins.

I never seem to have a clear trajectory with things. When something piques my interest, I go all out, diving in head-first and putting my all into whatever task is on my plate. And things go very well for a while. But there’s always a tapering off. Consistency has always been my problem as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, and it’s something one must learn to harness if there’s ever a chance for success.

But nothing ever stays away forever. I always seem to circle back and revisit things. Everything seems to stay in the back of my mind, even when the forefront has other things to focus on. That focus lately has been on myself, and I’ve honestly been doing very well.

I’m worrying less about things, things that I spent all of 2016 crying about and 2017 moping about. Life is good right now. It’s cyclical. The earth never stops turning, and we never stop running forward full steam ahead. But we’re all running on a never-ending track, and we’re always going to loop around and revisit things. You just have to have faith that you’ll keeps seeing the things that mean the most.

2018 is right around the corner, and much of the outlook seems positive so far. I have to believe everyone’s uplifting vibes are finally coming together, and can really give us a year to remember. For the right reasons.

I’ll see you soon.

Feeling the doubts

There comes a time where you must admit to yourself that you don’t have all the answers. That includes feelings you’ve sat with and experienced for an extended period of time. You’re not necessarily wrong, but you’re not entirely right. And floating in that air of unknowing can fill us with more unease than the doubtfulness we have about our situations.

It’s already mid-December, and I feel more stuck than ever. For the first time in a long time I don’t necessarily feel happy about my situation. I’m trying to take positive steps. I’m down four pounds, I’ve cut out all my vices, and I’ve dealt with a decade-old problem in the healthiest way I know how. And yet, I feel incomplete. I feel like things I want are slipping through my fingers and I don’t know why. And what’s worse is I don’t know how to reclaim them.

There are certain possibilities that we don’t want to admit to ourselves, because if they come true, they’re the most crushing. But what’s worse is pretending they don’t exist. Anything is possible. Feelings can change with each new gust of wind. What once was present can slip away. If you acknowledge the worst and accept it as a possibility, you can release it. Because, at the end of the day, it doesn’t have to be the course of action that will take place.

December moods are never consistent with me. I’m up, I’m down, I’m turned all around. But I have so much hope for the new year. I feel like people will have a true reset. We’ve seen the worst of the worst, and now we know how not to act. We’ll molt and shed our skin, revealing the raw only temporarily until we can buck up and get a handle on ourselves.

2017 was odd. 2018 is even.