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September Surrender: Day 5

What I’m Letting Go: A Slow After-Hours Dance

I have a guttermind. I’ve made no secret about it. Heck, I even began a previous blog entry with that exact phrase. While it’s been toned down in my waking life in this day and age, those hilarious double entendres have no trouble popping up when I’m having my soliloquies at home. I write them down. I laugh when no one’s looking. There’s a guy on YouTube I watch who is just as dirty-minded and actually says all these things out loud. Absolutely all his reactions to episodes of My 600-Pound Life come with some kind of sexual reference, and I just can’t help but be into it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in the gutter, though I don’t know how much longer I’ll be perched here, watching the excitement rush past me with no one to scoop me up over the threshold, either.

When it comes to acting out these guttermind tendencies, I’m much better on paper. Or in my own mind. Maybe I’m just socially-awkward, but I’ve never really gotten the hang of the entire modern-day courtship routine. Years and years ago, two of my old co-workers invited me to their wedding. I was actually the first to find out they were even dating, after I stumbled on a steamy message between them on our station’s news program. They asked me not to tell and I didn’t, only after they went public six months later. Either way, I was happy to celebrate their relationship, and I had so much fun at the reception, I’m apparently in the background of a ton of wedding photos, full of whiskey and cutting it up on the dance floor.

There was another one of my old co-workers also in attendance. He was a bit of a dork in his own right, and I got the sense he had a quiet crush on me. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, but he was there, and I was drunk, so I thought it was a good idea to take him outside to the courtyard and make out with him. It was whatever, I guess. I can’t remember anything about it. We kind of talked in the weeks afterward, as I was trying to start something, I guess, to try and get some consistent action around here. He took me out in New York one other time to which I brought him back to my place, hoping for more than just a makeout. Nothing happened. I came on way too strong and I think he wanted to take things slow. But who I was a decade ago wanted to skip all that gushy stuff so I could maybe have a shot at walking down the aisle, no matter how implausible it seemed.

We only went out one other time, and by then, I was over it. I just knew it wasn’t working, as I didn’t want to take the baby steps. I wanted action right then and there. It’s only now I realize how shitty of a person I came off being. I wanted to use someone for my own gratification, which just isn’t right. And I wasn’t even that attracted to him. I was trying to force something I knew wasn’t right into place. And that continued to be a pattern for years. I must discard what isn’t right and own up to a ‘mistake’ in the first place. I feel very badly for how I treated him. He certainly didn’t deserve it. I don’t know what he’s up to now, but I hope he has the relationship he’s always wanted. I’m sorry for appearing as a she-Devil in a white dress.

What I’ve Discovered: Watch Your Mouth, Lady

I had a friend in high school who also had a guttermind. She was funny for the most part, if not a little temperamental, which made it a little difficult to be her friend sometimes. But we were cordial throughout it all. The last time I saw her was at my best friend’s wedding back in 2018. It was good to see her, even though we only spoke briefly. I was sitting at a table with my mom and she came over with her husband to chat for a bit. I cannot tell you the conversation, but I remember her clearly bringing back her guttermind into it. I think she actually said the word “c*ck” right in front of my mother when talking about what a raucous wedding night my friend was in for. I was embarrassed, and worried about what mom would actually say. She said nothing, which in my mother’s world, actually says more than words could.

It was then I found out even I have limits about the dirty-mindedness. It’s not in everyone’s best interest to say what you want to say every single moment of the day. We come with filters for a reason. I hope I never make an impression like that, as I’d find it unbecoming on anyone. I like to think I’ve honed in on where the line is drawn and can keep the goods under wraps until the proverbial wedding night. No judgments here, it’s just that these things aren’t always everyone’s cup of secret sauce.

What I Hope to Find: Reciprocal Raunchiness Reception

I’ve been a bridesmaid four different times. It’s a nice gesture to be included in someone else’s celebration. I never minded that. I didn’t like dropping a ton of money on a dress I could only wear once, but whatever. Photos are forever, I guess. Still, the hopeless optimist in me always liked the idea of some magic unfolding between me and a groomsman if he’s available. I mean, I get to walk down the aisle with this person, why not have a bit of a trial run?

My cousin, who was the least bride-y bride ever, had me in her wedding a bunch of years back. It was a good party. I met the groomsman I was paired up with that day. I remember him also being kind of a dork, but my optimism told me that maybe a spark could go off. We danced into the ballroom to the Ghostbusters theme at the reception to a big hurrah. It was fun. We did a little more hanging out, dance a bit, drank a bit. Something in me was doing all sorts of planning as to where I thought this could go. Then, I cannot remember exactly what was said, but he made one single comment that turned me off for the rest of the night. He made it clear that he was only hanging out with me because he as trying to see what was under my dress, and I was having none of it. I realize how contradictory this comes off compared to the first story I told, but I remember being so offended and so taken aback, that I didn’t speak with him for the rest of the party. The illusion shattered and I was back down to earth in a fancy dress, willing to save myself for someone who saw me more than a bridesmaid conquest.

Mutual guttermindedness can sometimes end up with a walk down the aisle, if we’re lucky. I don’t see that specific scenario in my future. I hate planning parties and I have no desire to play dress up and pretend like my relationship is anyone else’s business. Not everyone shares this sentiment and that’s fine. Because one day, I hope to be on that divine synchronicity where this vibe that lives in the dirtiest corner of my heart is met. Perhaps all we’d need is Manhattan City Hall to pronounce us man and wife without all the fanfare that’s caused me such contradictions in a previous life. To go on living with each other without letting anyone else in the honeymoon suite. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

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