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September Surrender: Day 1

What I’m Letting Go: Face Off

I looked in the mirror yesterday. My hair was pinned back for the first time in a while. The harsh bathroom lighting brought out the shadows on my face and the darkness under my eyes. Crowning my face were strands of silver-grey hair. “Oh my God, I look so old,” I exclaimed to no one, letting the last word reverberate off the tiled floor. I felt thirty-eight years old instead of just thirty-seven. Like I was aging rapidly and unexpectedly. I was then brought back to all those times I’d look at myself in the mirror as a kid and absolutely hate what I saw looking back. I used to think I was the ugliest person on earth. Even with all the makeup I used to slather on my face in my teens and twenties didn’t do me any good. I was fug for life and that was the end of it.

I don’t think that anymore. It’s not so much about being prideful and thinking I’m some ethereal gorgeous entity, it’s about seeing the entire package when my reflection stares back at me. The superficial can only take me so far. What radiates out is the thing that actually matters. I can do any old skincare routine to keep my face soft and stave off the wrinkles for a bit, but I can’t stop the inevitable march of time. I’ve got to forget about any expectations I have the next time I look in the mirror. Because no matter what I see, it will be just who I am in that moment. I just keep gaining knowledge that shows up on my face. Looking old isn’t the same as looking ugly. It’s impossible for me to be the latter.

What I’ve Discovered: Outfit of the Day

I looked in the mirror the other day. I hated my outfit. I hate most of my outfits these days. Maybe it’s because of my stomach pooching out in every pair of pants or how my paycheck dries up so fast I have no leftovers to purchase nice things. Whatever it is, I only have to dress up for work, and then it’s back to my pantsless parties at home. I’m hoping this month’s diet will slim me down enough to where I actually want to dress up nice again. And while I’m hoping, maybe this entire stinkin’ federal regime will collapse too so my dollar can actually mean something again. But that’s beside the point.

I’ve always had this thing in the back of my head that everything I wore never looked perfect on me. Like I never quite looked put together. I see my co-workers in their outfits and even if I don’t particularly like what they’re wearing for me, they always seem to look good in it. They’ve found their fit. I just have not found mine. Or so I may think.

There’s this one pair of boots I own which always gets me compliments. I wore them to the Met twice this year and people came up to me to tell me how great they look. I’ve heard the same from people at work. There’s just something magical about this pair that I certainly see too, or else I wouldn’t have bought them. This happens with my big, beautiful turquoise ring, too. And perhaps this is just a signal for me to remember that no matter how untoward I may think I look, there’s always going to be someone out there who wishes they had what I have. I don’t need to rest my laurels on what other people think of me, I can just take comfort in knowing that what I’ve got going on has meaning to someone, even if that someone can’t always be me.

But for real, I need a new wardrobe. Eventually.

What I Hope to Find: Consistently Hot

I looked in the mirror today. My cheeks were red and dewy with sweat, as was my hair. I had just finished another weekly thirty-minute session inside the infrared sauna I visit on the East side. I’ve been going once a week for about two months now. It’s just my little way of detoxing after the week, where I can sit in silence and let all my troubles sweat out my pores. I started dong it after I was talking with a boy I liked for a bit. He had purchased an at-home infrared light and told me all about the benefits of using it. So I did my own research and decided the sauna would be my best bet.

As of now, it’s become a routine all its own, just like how I lotion my legs or brush my teeth every night before sleep. It’s an addition to my repertoire that I find a wonder more people don’t know about. It’s a steal at fifty bucks per session to get my full infrared blast I find so beneficial. But what would be nice is finding the ultimate goal of all these things I do to better myself. What exactly am I leading up to here, and when will I see the results of it, if ever?

I suppose it won’t feel different until the next life milestone I hit. Hopefully that means a baby, though I won’t be able to go in the sauna when I’m with child. But that’s really the only major thing that I can see happening to actually alter my life path right now. Doing all these extra steps in order to be at my pinnacle performance is good, but I hope I’m just not going to be doing all that forever. I’d like to see some kind of intervention that will cause a whole new line of routines for betterment, and, if I’m lucky, instill that into the next generation, too.

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