June Renew: Day Twenty Nine
I need a day where I truly do nothing. There needs to be a way for me to just shut off the world and be with myself. No social media, no news, no fucking typing my inane thoughts. I need a real, true decompression day. I’m so unbelievably tired and quietly stressing that I’ve had no honest time to check in with myself. I could be a complete asshole at the moment for all I know. I’m cranky and restless and I just want to unhinge my skull and let my brain rest on the shelf for days. But what in the world could possibly give me this stress-free experience I so crave?
One time during the low period, I sat at my desk and watched an entire season of I Love Money. From the first episode to the last. I just sat there, knowing my ass was falling asleep, just not caring. I had watched this show a million times before and no outcome could surprise me, but I just couldn’t help myself. I knew I wasn’t benefitting myself in any way, but this really felt like the last time I was able to get the experience I’m craving. Just let someone else do the thinking for me, and give my damn brain a break for God’s sake.
Of course, this is not a productive use of my time. I felt my grey matter turn to mush the moment I realized I was glued to my seat. I’m hoping I can recreate a zone-out moment without sacrificing what little brain cells I have left. I’ve tried a sensory depravation tank before, but I couldn’t relax. But that might be another option, now that I’m more in-tune with how ‘woo’ I am. I’m getting desperate here. I feel the breaking point happening, and I’m not just talking about what’s going on in my head. None of this can last much longer. Hope you’ve got a good cerebellum connection going on. You’re gonna need it.