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June Renew: Day Ten

I really have to just get over myself and pick up the phone. It’s imperative that I do. I have to call people who aren’t my dad for once. I have to reach out to my friends, people who still answer when I call to see how they’re doing. But I’ve got to go further. Plan a visit. Even a FaceTime, for God’s sake. But I don’t do any of that. I make the excuse of “well, they’re not reaching out to me either,” and then just wait for them to call so we can set something up. Which is a very immature thing to do. But I can’t let anyone see me like this. I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m so boring and so uninterested in everything. Who’d even want to talk to me?

“I’ll reach out next week,” I keep telling myself, “Your friends want to see you, anyway.” And that’s true. They all said as much when we chatted on my birthday. But it’s a month and a half later and I’ve still got no plans. Part of me doesn’t truly mind as I enjoy my solitude, but I can’t expect to maintain a friendship if I never actually say anything to them. Everyone I’ve ever known is still my friend, even if we don’t talk for years and years. I’ll always be there when you reach out to me. I’m sorry I never try to do the same.

One could take their pick as to what keeps me so turned off. Sometimes I worry about how different it’ll all be when we see each other again. Maybe I won’t know what to say. Maybe you’ll see you were better off without me. I can’t know unless I try. Perhaps it will be the greatest day of our lives. I really don’t know, but I don’t feel ready to pick up the phone and find out. Give me just a little more time to dry out, to be a better version of myself before I’m expected to make my debut. There’s still weight to lose; There’s still so much left to write. It’s not over until the dial tone sings. Just stay on the line for a little bit longer. Your call is very important to us.

Words yesterday: None. I simply did not write yesterday. I just didn’t.

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