April Awakening: Day Twenty-Four
I’m not sure what’s left for me to talk about here. I went back to look at some of my past writing on this blog, and a lot of what I wrote recently, I’ve already spoken about. Right down to the same phrases. I won’t repeat it here, I’ll let you find that out on your own, but it does make me wonder if I’m actually running out of content. That I’ve become so boring and predicable that no one will want to read me anymore. What exactly am I even offering here? Am I compelling as I think I am, or am I just another tedious voice in a sea of repetition?
I once asked someone, “What if you get bored of me?” I didn’t get an answer. Instead, I got a question back: the exact same one I had just asked. And I can’t remember what I said back. But it’s a real fear of mine to be boring to someone I care about. Someone once broke things off with me because he described being with me as “routine” with no surprises. I felt it too, though I didn’t want to admit that. I’d rather be kept on my toes than fall into a rut, but I’m afraid I don’t know how to return the favor.
Not everything I produce can be a banger every time. I can’t offer spun gold with each writing session. There are certain entries I like much more than others, just like plot points I discover and put to paper. I’m still searching for ways to make this feeling repeat itself more, instead of feeling like I only sparingly produce a diamond in the rough. I suppose going out more and expanding my life scope will help, even if that means I’ve got to travel alone. Whatever I’m doing seems to be working for me, even if it’s a slow burn in seeing the results.
Maybe it’s good things seem so boring for me now. Maybe this is all the calm before the storm. Like I get my last shot to lounge and be vanilla before I become consumed with my life’s work. My work, not corporate work. And a new job as mom, should I be so lucky. There’s something brewing here, even if I feel restless waiting for it. There’s a long, lazy river ahead of me, but at least there’s a goal at the end. Just give me one more moment to rest my eyes and give this couch nap a proper send off.