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April Awakening: Day Fifteen


I had to cut my nails the other day. They had a good run, but they became too cracked and broken. So I had to trim them. And right now, they’re in the worst shape they’ve ever been. I’ve never felt them so thin and brittle, which is why after two months of gel manicures, I’m deciding to take a break. I had acrylics for years and even they weren’t this painful after removal. So I’m just hoping I didn’t do too much damage. I never meant to harm myself. I just liked how my hands looked with home grown nails. And now it’s over. And the vulnerability left behind is making me uncomfortable.

It’s not like this is an impossible fix. The human body is resilient. But I really should get to the salon and get the rest of this gel off. I’m peeling it and making it worse. But I don’t really want to leave the house right now. I go out for my required ten minutes, which often turns into more than that, but there’s nothing else out there for me. I don’t even have to go to work for a week and a half. Why put myself at any kind of risk when this confidence in my hands is so sorely lacking?

And it’s not just my hands. I barely want my feet seen in sandals. And forget about showing off my cleavage. I’m sensitive in more ways than one, and I don’t feel strong enough to expose what’s deep beneath my nail beds. I’m holding what’s inside much closer to the vest these days, and it’s going to take a lot for me to show the vulnerable side again. I’m not afraid of getting hurt, I just have different criteria on what it’s going to take for me to shed those layers. I have to find something that gives me the natural toughness, instead of a gel-like experience that ultimately made me weaker.

The good news is that it’s all just temporary. My nails will grow back with proper treatment, and the days of gel manicures are over. Like I said, I had a good run, but it’s time to start over from a very unguarded square one.

Words yesterday: None. I finished yesterday’s 750 at outdoor breakfast this morning.

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