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April Awakening: Day Ten


I’ve actually been having a series of good days. There really isn’t a whole lot I can complain about. Sure, the rest of the world out there is on fire or arguably burning to the ground, but I’ve found a good balance within my four walls. I need not a single other soul out there to pay me any mind. Although with the net I’m casting lately, that may not be a good thing in the long run.

I’ve always been a loner. It’s not really that much of a question, considering I’m an only child. I can enjoy my own company and not feel a need to talk with people who aren’t here. I wonder if that makes me cold as a fish to other people, but I’m always here should someone reach out. I had a friend in college who said I’m the type of person who’d drop everything and travel across the world if it meant she was in trouble. I believe her exact phrasing was: “Even if we hadn’t spoken in years, and I got locked up in a Thai prison, wrongfully accused of drug smuggling, I know I could call up Gina and she’d be on the next plane over.” Yeah, I’ve known some creative people in my life. But her sentiment still stands. I do believe I’m still that person. Only if people reach out. These days, I’m nothing more than a rushing stream only going one way.

I’m not sure if I can put the full blame on the rise of Corona-chan on this one, but I sort of forget how to be someone’s friend. I never reach out to anyone anymore. I just wait for them to contact me. I have news in my life, but how do I just start talking at someone about it? What am I supposed to do? How can I expect them to care? Who in their right mind would want to care about it, anyway? I’m at the point where I find it astounding to hear my co-workers talk about going to visit “a friend” or “I went out with my friends.” I’m like, how did you even do that? These people I see outside speaking on the phone or FaceTime, how did that happen? Did someone just decide to ring the other up? To do what, talk? Lunacy. But then when you guys are actually in front of each other, you just diddle your respective phones. I’m at this moment not six feet away from a “cool” Brooklyn couple in sunglasses who sat down at the table nearby, pulled out their phones, and haven’t said a word since. They’re just conversing with all the other people who aren’t there. Oh, and eating chips. Bizarre sight to see. At least they threw their garbage away. No need for me to hook another litterbug.

I know I’m compartmentalizing. Not all couples or friends need to be in constant contact with one another at all times. That would also match the definition of lunacy. Or co-dependence. Either way, with where I’m at in life, it’s becoming clear to me that I’m not going to get the hang of this here friendship thing if I don’t also throw out a line here or there. To be able to feel like I can tell you some things about me. Like, did you know I’m going to Cape Cod next week? Or that I purchased a set of chairs and an ottoman for my living space? Or that I finally cleaned and organized a good chunk of my brand new shelves and put my clothes away? There’s stuff going on, but my lure remains far too close to the shoreline to even feel a nibble.

It’s not so easy to make friends in this day and age. City life can either seclude you, or debutante you. I’m hanging out with the former right now, but perhaps it’s what’s meant to be for me at this time. Maybe I just don’t need anyone at the moment. That I should leave my fishing rods at home sometimes and spend time with myself. There’s still something I need to remain introspective about, and the time will come when I finally am able to reel in what I’m really after: connection. It’s about finding your person, your people, having no need for this apprehension or confusion. It just is as it should be, all falling into the same boat without fail.

I’m thankful there are people who are there for me, and who I know will pick up if I call. But for now, I travel alone from riverbank to riverbank, waiting for the right season to nab the freshest catch. Luckily for me, I’ve got enough bait on the line to last me a lifetime.

Words yesterday: I don’t exactly know because I forgot to write it down but it definitely was more than 750.

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