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April Awakening: Day Nine


“Acting is easy,” my mom used to tell me, “You just pretend to be another person.” I suppose it is just that easy. Once you’ve got someone’s backstory and know what makes them tick, it should be no problem to play make-believe. Especially for money. I never thought actor interviews or behind-the-scenes footage were particularly interesting, but I always respected the craft. It’s just not for me. I’m not that good at pretending anymore.

I used to do improv classes back in the day. I had a good time, as I felt it was a positive outlet for my creativity. I’ve never been afraid to “go there” in these classes, making sure I’m all-in on my characters, while trying to be among the funniest in the group. I remember I did musical improv one season, which was a lot of fun and allowed me to explore a whole new side of my half-ear for music. But it was during a time I felt at my lowest. When classes were over, I’d have to go back to my real life, where I felt nothing but sadness and despondence. I couldn’t pretend to be this boisterous, unafraid improv whiz when it wasn’t the time to be that, and I know my classmates certainly noticed. But over the years, I’ve figured out how to honor those feelings without letting the whole world know I’m going through it. It’s not being phony, it’s just being who you are. And I feel at this moment in time, it’s more important than ever to never posture ever again.

At this point, I can’t imagine living a lie. I know that not everyone is living “their truth,” whatever that may mean, but I can sit comfortably knowing there’s nothing I’m hiding from anyone. There’s nothing I’ll have to unravel at a certain point because the lies have proven to be too much. I’m pretty much an open book to anyone who feels like reading me. All I really hope is that those stuck in a pose they feel uncomfortable in can one day find a way out. To find out what’s truly important to them so they may go after it. I hate the idea that someone has to act differently than what their nature is pulling them toward. Then again, it’s not my life to live, so I had better act accordingly.

I have no say in how people live, only wishes that it’s what’s best for them. I only caution in working on the realness now. Because a lot of facades are about to fall, and there’s no use in pretending to be anything else other than appalled at what’s been going on. They’ve been obfuscating what’s real for far too long: saying men can be women, anti-fascists are not fascist, spending money makes the weather better, and the Biden administration is legitimate. We can keep on with this all-encompassing sham, or (nicely) call things out for what they are.

I know I’d rather walk down the non-shenanigans road, seeing a world where I may not agree with everyone, but respect their differences as they respect mine. A world where we never forget our standards or faking ones that are bad for everyone. A world of common sense and truth where corruption is punished, not rewarded. It’s possible. Hope tells me it’s always been possible. So stop pretending it’s not.

Words yesterday: I finished yesterday’s words at 8:45AM today.

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