April Awakening: Day Eight
I used to do a lot of livestreams back in the day. I’d have a good time playing games or just chatting with the audience I’ve cultivated over the years. I had aspirations of it becoming a career choice, but nothing really panned out. My days of labeling myself an online content creator are past me, even if I’ll occasionally upload when the mood strikes me. It’s not like the internet is feeling my absence, either. There’s thousands and thousands of creators doing it better than I ever could, and I’m in a good place in cyberspace.
On one of my more recent uploads where I giggle at free-to-play horror games, a commenter asked if I could make some of my older videos public instead of unlisted, particularly my livestreams of classic Nintendo games. I’d like to oblige this request, but I’ve got virtually no recollection of things I’ve said in these livestreams. I did them when I was largely unattached, just a freelancer throwing anything at the wall to see what would stick. All those livestreams represent a moment in time of who I was, who I am, who I considered myself to be. I just want to avoid the cringe while I still can, or allow an opportunity for something significant to come back to haunt me. No one wants the cancel brigade on their butts.
If I had just kept leaning into this livestream persona, perhaps I could have let it carry me, and not feel so afraid of all this stuff that has to forever live on the internet. But as I sit and really ponder it, I’m glad that’s not where my life went. I feel happier living in this live stream of consciousness instead of living with what I could have had in the past. Or at least what I thought wanted.
Once in a while I’ll go back and listen to my more popular videos or some livestreams I’ve done. It’s comforting knowing and seeing that, at heart, I’m still that kooky kind of person, maybe just with a little thinner hair and less of a potty mouth. All I’ve put out to the internet over the years must have contributed to something, no matter if I did it live or not. It’s a part of me, a moment in my life I chose to record for posterity. The day will come where I’ve done all I need to do, and one of these days, the next time I choose to go live will be my last. Better make the most of it while I’m still this present.