April Awakening: Day Five
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My closet is finished. The custom murphy bed is installed. And truthfully, I feel no different about it. I can’t even decide if I hate it or not. It’s a strange feeling, as this is something that’s been in the works since November. It’s finally here. And part of me couldn’t care less about the new void I have to fill.
I’ve been living on the floor for the past two months. All my clothes, shoes, purses were splayed on the ground, stuck in bins from my old closet. I was throwing clothes on my bed or the floor when I was done with them, stepping around the piles if I needed some rings off my bureau or to see my outfit in the floor-length mirror. Now, I have all this space and I have no idea what to do with it. There’s tons of storage and I’m questioning what to put there. Is this space even me? If you walked in, would you think this was even my home planet?
I realize I’m speaking from a place of privilege. Not everyone can afford to upgrade their homes like this. Don’t worry, neither can I. But it’s here, and it’s becoming very clear to me how unprepared I’ve been about it. I kept thinking I’d figure it out as soon as it was here. Well, here it is, and I’m no closer to landing on how I want it to look. I’m going to have to get rid of a lot of my things and get new ones. It all seems like such a hassle, and I’m wondering if I should have just kept on living in the vastness of my comfortable disarray.
Part of it is laziness. Part of it is just another version of a growing pain. I made a huge change to an area I’ve occupied for nearly eleven years now, and it’s all part and parcel of moving on from what once was. I don’t need to romanticize being a wreck over things out of my control, and living in disorder is no way to launch this new plane of reality I’m on. I suppose it’ll all come together piece by piece if I really want it to. And I’m going to have to do it, anyway. I can’t keep living on the floor. It’s time to explore the great beyond in my living space, and revel in the new orbit I’ve joined. Even if it’s looking like a solo mission from here on out.