April Awakening: Round Two

Thirty more days to bring out a new way.

Preamble: What’s happening here.

I haven’t written on this blog all month, besides the recap of February Focus. I haven’t abandoned it, I’ve just had nothing interesting to report. Life is what it is right now. Every little thought I have about it won’t benefit anyone if I publish it here. So I’ve just been writing things elsewhere, which I’m happy to report is benefitting me. But that’s not fair to a blog I started specifically for sharing my thoughts with the world. So if you’re still here and interested in that, here’s your chance to see my thirty day pick-me-up in action.

April is my birth month. I’m going to be thirty-seven this year. Birthdays start to mean less to me as I age, as I’ve considered myself a thirty-seven-year old all year. I’m closer to it than I am thirty-six, so why wouldn’t I? Either way, April was naturally a ‘rebirth’ kind of month for me. But this year, I’m not seeing it that way. I don’t feel like ‘regenerating’ into a new person, as this is all I’m going to be forever. I’ve got a good basis I’m working with, but there’s always self-discoveries one can make. Therefore, this year’s April Awakening isn’t about becoming what’s new; It’s about opening my eyes to what’s already there, and has been since the beginning of time. And if I can showcase that with a daily entry, maybe the rest of the world will wake up too. We’ve been on the brink for so long, something’s bound to tip us over the edge. This is just my contribution in hopes that we fall onto the right side of history.

I’ve decided on four rules I think will carry me through the month, and give me a chance to refocus my attention on a space so sorely in need of a proper reintroduction. Four rules, four weeks, fourth month of the year. So with that, here’s what you can expect from me over the next thirty days.

Rule 1: Write here and there every day.

February felt a little too slapped together when it came to these daily entries, so I’m deciding on a little more structure here. I’d like to share a story every day about a revelation in my life. Whether it’s something that happened that day or eons ago, I need to tell you about a moment when I woke up. On the world, on myself, on the people around me, I’ll let you know all about it. I’ll be keeping to my usual motifs and hopefully not repeat myself too much.

That being said, I need to revisit my book as well. I’m sitting at just over 62,000 words in about five months of work. I don’t know if that’s a lot or a little, just like I’m not sure if losing forty-six pounds in seven months is too quick or too slow. But more about that later. I made it a goal to finish this first draft before year’s end, and I still have every intention of doing that. But I need a little boost to actually complete the process and not keep myself in a dreamlike state about it.

I go through pockets of putting the focus on my storytelling, but the drive doesn’t last very long. I feel like I’ll get serious, then let the laziness take over. Nothing else is going to force me to write but me, so I’m setting a goal of 750 words of my story a day, which I’ll again be noting at the bottom of each entry. This is a loftier goal than February’s, which I ended up not completing. However, I have one less thing to do for work these days, which was previously taking up a lot of my time in the evening. My workload was transferred to another co-worker, so now my post-show time is completely free, save a half-hour to send over some headlines. I figure with all this extra time on my hands, I can use them to bang out the words like I was doing in November. Get them all out, copy-edit later. If I can just complete this goal, maybe the overarching one will get done too.

But in order to do that, I’ve got to get my fingers moving. And I’ve got to practice writing with nails. I’ve been growing mine out lately. They might be the longest they’ve ever been, and I want to maintain the length as long as possible. Long nails seem to be a thing I’m adding to my repertoire, so I figure I may as well go with it. I like being more aware of where my hands are, as I’m careful not to clip them on anything or put them in breakage’s way. However, I’m not so used to typing with them. I don’t know if it’s more comfortable striking the keys with the nail itself or flattening my hand to use my fingertip. I figure by ‘forcing’ myself to write all these words, I can practice and find what works. If I’m going to be doing this until my time on earth runs out, I better find the most adaptive way to do so. To go with the flow, even when circumstances change. Which leads me into my next challenge of the month.

Rule 2: No social media and I mean it.

I was in Pennsylvania this past weekend. It was a spontaneous sort of trip. I rented a car to drive home and see my parents, but my dad came down with a cold last Thursday, and we thought it best if I stayed away for a bit. I was about to cancel the car when I thought why not keep it? Why not break the Manhattan border and stay a place I’ve never been? I was able to secure myself in a little Bucks County inn, where I ate delicious food, toured the countryside, and wrote my heart out. It was another moment where I could see myself living out my days traveling across the country and finding places to write. It was a great feeling. And I didn’t check Twitter the entirety of the weekend.

I had made the choice before I left to get off the site. I had been going in a little too hard lately, where it’d be the first thing I’d look at upon waking, leading me to be on it the rest of the day. I tried to justify it as making sure I’d be ‘read in’ on all the news of the day, but it was just getting to be too much. Social media allows me to peek in at the raging dumpster fire, getting a first-hand look at humanity’s worst of the worst. I wasn’t picking my battles very well either, leading to all sorts of frustration and putting out weird vibes. Things got so strange, I got into a “You pay for Twitter” argument with the guy who played Big Pete on The Adventures of Pete & Pete. My favorite childhood show is forever sullied, all thanks to the stupid bird app and people’s hateboners for Elon Musk. So I think it’s best to say goodbye to all of that, at least for the next thirty days.

It’s not going to be hard. Social media is turning into something I just don’t need anymore. I deleted Facebook and Instagram long ago, and while I’m not ready to do the same to my Twitter account, I know I can go without it. But this also means no ‘alternatives’ either, like no Reddit or lolcow forums. A complete purge of all socials right now is what I need to get my mind on the straight and narrow. I’ll be far less distracted that way. I can share these entries on Twitter, but I don’t have to physically go on the site to do so. I’ve got to live in the real world, not the digital hellscape that’s only serving to make me angry, upset, and blackpilled. It’s time to thin it all out, which ties right into the next rule.

Rule 3: No delivery, think fresh.

I’m no longer doing the carnivore diet. I have been ‘off’ it for a while now. I dropped all this weight and figured it was good enough to begin eating my favorite foods again. As it turns out, they ain’t that good. For a while I kept trying to “eat only meat” certain days, but would sneak some noodles or “try” a hard roll the next day. I didn’t necessarily feel “unhealthy,” but I was not making the greatest dietary choices. My weight has not increased; I’m right now between 191 and 192 pounds. Still have more weight to lose, but I’m just a little stagnant right now. But it became clear that it was time to add back in certain food if I wanted to be a picture of health.

I’ve added fruits and vegetables back into my diet full time and am glad to have done so. I feel a lot more refreshed by this, and I don’t necessarily worry about what I’m eating right now. Lots of good meals with very little starch and bread. I still work out nearly every day, and fortunately, sugar and processed foods are still no-gos. There’s a lot of good choices to be made, but I need to solidify this newfound promise to balance myself out by not going outside to eat.

I don’t need to spend my money on what I don’t cook, because I can make it better at home. This puts an end to my laziness and will save me a couple bucks in the process. So no deliveries. A meal out with friends is different. On a standard day, whatever I crave, I can make it fine on my own. There’s a grocery store literally a block away from me, so I have no excuse to go to an app and get my groceries delivered. I just have to get up and go; Chase my health and keep choosing the good stuff. Which will lend itself to the next and final challenge.

Rule 4: See the sun once a day.

Being a Manhattanite is a miserable experience right now. I don’t know how many people would agree with me on this, but it feels like a lot. These days, I rarely leave my apartment. I see no need to, as it feels like there’s nothing out there for me that I can’t get in here. As a single woman, I have fears going out alone after dark. So I stay inside, honing my craft, making my home the best it can be. My new closet and murphy bed are coming next week, which means the rest of my home furnishings may need an upgrade too. I’m excited to live in a new space I designed myself, and it only cements my place in this city for what fits in my two-year plan.

However, I get no natural light here. I have three windows that all look into an alleyway. It’s an enclave all my own, and while I’m fine with that, I know there’s no better healing than the sun. I won’t use sunscreen or sunglasses anymore, I want the full feeling of the fireball’s effects all over my face. It’s what I deserve. And I don’t give it to myself enough.

Therefore, I need to be outside for at least ten minutes a day. April is a rainy sort of month, so that might mean no sunlight that day, but I need to get moving outside my fortress so I can know what I’m up against out there. Whether it’s just a walk around my block, a sit in Central Park, or a journey up to my roofdeck, I’ve got to bring myself outside. And walking home from work doesn’t count. I need the world out there to feel what I’m awakening to. We can communicate through a million different means; It doesn’t have to just be through our phones or texts anymore. We carry our vibes and energies everywhere we go. What good does my wakeup call do if I’m only recycling it within my four walls?

I suppose I’ll show what kind of day it was with an emoji in each header. Sun, rain, cloudy, no matter what it’s like, I’m going to be out there. I’m going to let the sun shine on my face and bathe in what it can provide me. I spend so much time in the dark overnights that I think it’s time to rise with the sun, too. Hopefully they’ll end up doing away with Daylight Saving Time and let the sunshine in once and for all.

Ready to rise?

I don’t always know who’s joining me on these journeys. Frankly I find it baffling anyone would want to read me in the first place. But I’m here, and I’m doing what I enjoy. My writing is ever evolving, as I’m constantly on the lookout for the next foothold that will take me more places within this space. A book of essays never hurt anyone. Aren’t my awakenings just as valid as the next?

Let’s take a walk. While there’s still daylight out there, of course.