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February Focus: Day 28

The crossroads I’ve been standing at for some time now became really apparent today. I had to sit with myself for a bit and admit I don’t really know where I’m at in life. And the routes in front of me seem like they’re just going to make me miserable. It’s a terrible feeling, but this is the lot I’m currently dealt in life. I can’t even cry about it anymore, the tears just won’t come. I didn’t want to finish up this challenge on a down note, but let’s see if I can’t find something good in the midst of all this uncomfortability.

As the news gets more ridiculous and they push us further to the brink, I wonder if this is all I’m going to be doing forever. Sure, I’ve got my first draft I’ve been struggling with, but is that going to net me what it takes to sustain a life? Is what I’m going after even attainable, or am I just spinning my wheels, chasing a pipe dream? These hard truths I’ve had to face aren’t making my job any easier, as I sometimes cannot believe the things I have to report on. The fraud and phoniness seems so obvious to me, but I cannot say so on air. So I’m left with all these things rattling around in my brain, trying to find their perfect fit and failing, only succeeding in giving me a headache.

Move it, chowderhead.

I want to look on the bright side. I don’t want to see a binary choice at this fork in the road. I’d like to see the path down the middle, the place I know to keep going toward if I can just stick it out a little longer. It’s not like I’m being forced down these roads, I’m just left to work with what I currently have. And right now, that’s a job, and a biological clock with at least ten more good years on it. Will I just have to sit with the discomfort until something better comes, or should I take a deep breath to move onto the next station in life?

Perhaps it’s not as clear-cut as I’m making it. Maybe traveling down one road means I can pick up the other paths down the line. Who says they can’t connect later? I’ve been collecting these life experiences, why should they not follow me wherever I go? I don’t need to feel cramped and confined by life just because I’ve not reached my peak yet. There’s got to be some explanation as to why I’ve got this sense of emptiness all the time, and I suppose the right thing has not yet fulfilled me. To have the something that’ll kiss my forehead and tuck me in at night. Maybe all I need to do is look around at the signs a little more. Keep viewing them until it’s crystal clear which direction I need to go. It might not be as hard as I’m making it, but that’s what I get for being cozy in my complaining.

I’ll figure it out one day. I’ve got to. I believe everyone does, eventually. I just don’t want that moment to be on my death bed. I’ve got a lot of living left to do, and a lot more paths to traverse ahead. And each new step will be as natural as the last. Nothing need change once the life goal is hit. It’ll just be progression at its finest, without needing a declaration to the world about it. For now, a sense of well-being should be the aim. I suppose I should get comfortable at this outpost. We’ve still got a little bit of time left to ponder.

Swears: None

Words: None yet but I’m off work tomorrow so I’ve got all night to write.

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