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February Focus: Day 20

I’m not out of hope. Not in the slightest. Things are weird and getting weirder, but that only strengthens my convictions on all this. We are hurdling toward the final end to all this nonsense, and it’s going to take a lot of deep breaths to get us through it. So much could give out at any moment, and we’ve got to be prepared for literally anything. They got you believing in aliens just a week ago, remember?

Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll be doin’ what I’ve always been doing, hiding out in this here corner and being me, even if that results in my City Councilmember making fun of me on Twitter. Seriously though, don’t worry about me! I don’t need your help in defending myself. Even if everyone in the world joins in on the mockery, I say bring it on. I’m a glutton for punishment, it seems. But when I know I’m in the right on something, I’ll be stunade as hell about it until my dying breath. Everything you see from me I can assure you it’s all genuinely from me. Because if there’s one thing you can rest your laurels on, is that I am not getting paid to be like this. No one is cutting me a check to think these things, write these things, or be this way. I could never accept that kind of monetary compensation. I just don’t have it in me to sell a piece of myself like that. I could sell a completed work to the highest bidder, but me? All I am? Everything inside it? No. Never. I’m not for sale. And it’s shocking to see just how many of us are, or are at least entirely willing to be.

You know the drill. Everyone is on the grift. Everyone’s gotta do something to get their bag. I’m doing it. I’m in the corporate world. I know how things roll around here. I see the hierarchy, the structure, the yes on this and play along with that. It’s just the station in life I’m at right now, and I don’t mind staying here just a bit longer. At least within a corporation, you’re not going to get a whole lot of shady monetary sh*t going on, especially if it’s a publicly traded company. At least not in this day and age. They have to account for each and every dime there, so you’d know if someone was getting paid under the table to shill and crow your talking points. Perhaps it does happen on a ‘consultant’ basis, but that doesn’t concern me as much as the deals made in the dark. The underhanded and off the books. The ones signed in blood during a 3:00AM ritual. Okay, maybe that one doesn’t happen as much as I think, but there’s certainly a lot of slimy hands being exchanged around here. And I think the more you pay attention to the news, the more obvious it’ll be to see them get caught with their pants down.

I’ll say this until the day I die: I wish ill on no one. I will never actively pray for bad things to happen to people. I wouldn’t want that hanging around my soul. And I suggest if there’s one thing you all listen to me on, it’s that. No more purposeful bad thoughts or actively hoping people get screwed by their own choices. It’s just not worth it. Besides, these people who’ve pilfered what they’ve wanted from us for so long can’t keep up with the lies anymore. They are going to break and it’s not going to be pretty for them. A lot of bad stuff happened in the dark, and almost all of it has to do with them.

I often speak of this downfall as a leak in a dam that would eventually burst. But now I think instead there’s a greater possibility of it simply crumbling under its weight. It won’t burst forth and destroy all in its path, it’ll just fall, forcing what’s been held back for so long to find new avenues to settle in. It may be messy at first, because it always is, but once that needless old structure is down, we’ll find we didn’t need it in the first place. All they left behind can be worked around, and all those who ended up all wet will no longer be allowed to be part of our landscape. We’ll just have raised that bar and not put people into power who built such a terrible structure to begin with. And once I see this happy ending unfold, my work here will be done.

I want to leave a place more beautiful than I left it, but I’m a modern woman. I know you need funding to allocate toward your projects, especially if it’s something done to your city. I hope going forward we use good-gotten gains, instead of all those back alley deals that just make us feel icky when all is said and done.

It’s hard, I’m in New York City. It’s a veritable cesspool of corruption and callousness. And d*cks. So many just flat out d*cks for the sake of being d*cks. That was made very evident to me today, considering how trashed I got on Twitter. But I’m not here to cry victim. This only strengthens my h*rd on to stay here until I can make it a better place for all. Perhaps that’s done through a new kind of campaign: One that’s funded by the people and done so for the people. Why should our elected leaders not do that? Why put someone in there who’s beholden to a group rather than you, the voter and the taxpayer? It just seems so logical to me to get those kinds of people out of here. I don’t care how good they made you feel for a second, I don’t want to hear the gross details about that anyway.

Maybe it’s because money, on the whole, don’t mean a damn thing to me. There’s just no dollar amount enticing enough to let someone put his hand up my skirt and play puppeteer. Can’t happen. Won’t happen. I promise you I’m not for sale. You can cite this entry in the future if you need to. Because I’m not a wh*re, I’m a sl*t. There’s a difference. I do this for free. How many of your elected leaders can say the same?

Swears: None. Lots of almosts. Catching myself more and more.

Words: None yet. But the night is still young.

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